Finding Your Kansas

welcome to 2012

2012-01-01T10:02:00.000-08:00

The last day of 2011 found me with plans that couldn't be. Just like much of 2011 and 2010 all plans I had were over ridden by forces bigger than myself. Just when I found myself lost in thought, trying to figure out just how I would solve for the unfulfilled plans of 2011, I was fortunate enough to see a gorgeous meteor, unlike anything I had ever seen before. Like something from the special effects team working for George Lucas, a large object shot across the sky. It entered in a burst of bright orange and was trailed by a tail that seemed to stretch for miles, blue and green fire outlined in white, carving through the sky. Before I could grab my phone the meteor disintegrated into a fizzling red burst. It was beautiful, amazing, and unbelievable. And had anything gone according to plan, it would have been unviewed by me. I sat in awe, near tears at this reassuring sign, a promise welcoming me into the new year with hope, faith, and overwhelming trust in a purpose and plan bigger than myself. One that I cannot predict no matter how much I try.

As I leave behind 2011, I leave the bitterness. I leave the hurt caused by plans erased. I leave behind sadness for what has been lost. I leave behind anger over actions that were, and actions that weren't. In 2011 I thank the hurt, the sorrow, the anguish for teaching me the lessons needed to push me harder, make me stronger, and bring me humbly to my knees. I leave 2011 racing towards a new horizon full of faith, hope, and possibility.

I welcome 2012 as the year of new for myself. A place where great things will fall into place as I work hard at applying the lessons of the past four years. It will not be without its challenges and it will not be perfect everyday. But I will allow each day to be a new one. I will allow each moment to come, bringing with it all it has to offer. I will learn to accept more than I question. I will learn to rewrite my world by what exists today, letting go of the yesterdays that add no value and have no meaning in today. I will value each day and aim to be my true self each and everyday.

2012 Mantra

2011-12-20T19:55:00.000-08:00

It has sort of become a tradition to create a mantra to get me through the year, keeping me focused on the growth I would like to complete.

After many months of trying to figure this out, I have finally landed on the things I would like to use to help me stay balanced and grow throughout 2012.

Love is Delicate
In truth, all matters are delicate but perhaps love would be the most delicate. I have learned, and now hope to remember, that as a delicate blessing, love must be handled with care. When you see something delicate you don't just run up and grab it. You don't yank on it until it goes where you want. You don't toss it around carelessly. You don't just toss it away when you are done.
When dealing with anything delicate you must always approach it carefully, plot your course thoughtful, hold it gently, and never be reckless with it. Something that is delicate must be carefully thought of before reaching for it. While it is in your embrace it must be thought of and cared for as an extension of yourself. And should you ever tire of holding it, you gently return it to its original place, kindly making sure your presence did not leave any damage to its delicate state. As my mother would say, "like a baby bunny" which was code when we were baking apple pies to be gentle. I need to remember that love is delicate, mine and someone else's. It should never be asked for or given without deep thought, it should never be asked for or given without truly knowing it will be handled with care. And it should never, ever be recklessly discarded. Love is delicate.

Let Time Come.
Everything takes time. Growing, fixing, loving, leaving, moving forward, forgetting, processing, healing... everything. Let time come. Wait for it. Trying to rush it, delays it. Trying to fight it, make you drown. I saw a quote that said, "You didn't get here in one night, don't expect to get out of here in one night." I need to remember this. I need to let time come, as it comes. I need to accept that for everyday that brought me to where I am, it will take another day, or maybe two, for me to get back out. The more I fight it, the more times I am sent back to start. Let time come.

Success is Within.
Success is not what can be placed on paper regarding our careers or education. Success is not the material possessions we can hold in our hands. Success is not in the things we own like houses and cars. Success is not in the money we have in the bank or in investments. Success comes from within us. Success comes from within. Success is loving, being trustworthy, being honest. Success is finding joy, finding peace, finding faith. Success is believing in yourself, believing in others, believing in the world. Success is being alive, being proud, being gracious. Success is within.

Perception is Reflection.
The perception I give off is directly related to the reflection I see. When I reflect in the mirror and I don't like who I see, that feeling will become the perception that others see when they look at me. When I look at my reflection and I see love, kindness, faith, joy, beautiful, and strong, that is what others will see when they look at me. Perception is Reflection.

Thoughts are Actions.
What we think, is how we act. Our subconcious mind rules everything we do, thoughts rule our subconcious mind. Therefore, the thoughts we think turn into the actions we do.

Now Matters.
As important as it is for me to let time come, it is also important to remember that now matters. I needn't wait for the first of the year or next month, or the beginning of a week, or someday in the future to come. Now is important. Now matters. Now becomes Never when Now becomes Later.

So there it is. My 2012 Mantra, Love is Delicate, Let Time Come, Success is Within, Perception is Reflection, Thoughts are Actions, Now Matters.

Childhood Home (Competition Entry)

2011-12-16T16:01:00.000-08:00

Nervously I turn my car blinker on. It clicks repeatedly, reminding me to turn onto Aberford Drive. I was ten when my parents packed up our home and moved us from the neighborhood, city, and state that, in my mind, would always be my home.

As I made the right hand turn, the corner house on the left caught my attention. Lisa lived there, I remember running up and down the staircase that led to the second floor. Three houses down on my left my best friend Sharon lived. I flash back to a rainy August day spent singing “We are the World” on the backyard grass under our umbrella’s and raincoats. Directly across from her, PJ Powell, the only boy in a neighborhood of girls lived. How we loved playing with his black lab Gracie back then when leashes were not required. The street curves slightly to the left, visions of Kendra and Melanie playing hopscotch fill the now deserted driveway of their corner home.

My heart beats steadily; a feeling of calm tranquility creeps into my body. My lips curl up automatically in the excitement that soon I will be knocking on the door of my old childhood home, which for the past 24 years had lived only in pictures.

For the past few months, I flipped through old family photo albums that told the story of a thousand happy memories in the forgotten home. That is why I am here. Alone in the world, these pictures and warm memories of our time spent in this home are all I have to keep them alive. I drove 700 miles to be close to the parents who gave me life, and then left me alone to live it.

I turn the car, my eyes search for the brown picket fence surrounding the front courtyard. I look for the lush green lawn I remember learning cartwheels and playing tag on. I search for the house baring the number 1302. My heart sinks as none of these realities are found.

I stop in front of the third house on the right, the location of all my childhood memories. I slowly exit my car, in disbelief I search for an explanation. I re-count the houses. I check the street sign. I long for sign of neighborhood life that can explain why my beautiful picket fence was replaced with a chain linked Rent-a-Fence.

I tiptoe towards it, placing my fingers between the links of the cold uninviting metal. I shudder. Chills run down my spine, and my heart beats slightly faster. My childhood home is corrupted with a new reality that looks like the cover of the latest mystery novel.

The cement of the courtyard, which was home to a blue and green striped swingset and slide, is now cracked with untidy rubble recklessly abandoned. My old bedroom window, which was an imaginary ice cream stand on hot summer days, was broken. Glass shards sprout around an empty circle, the result of a ball or rock or some other unnatural disaster. The front door, once a deep blue that welcomed visitors with its proud beauty lay half-hinged and crocked. The paint had faded to a sullen grey, flaking and peeling from years of neglect.

Suddenly the memories of my childhood no longer make sense or belong in this place at all. I digress to a scared little girl. I ache to run through that once perfect door, to see my mother’s smile as she hands me a fresh baked cookie and asks for the playground gossip of first grade.

I step back, my eyes catching the large sign that I had missed upon my initial approach, “CONDEMNED – DO NOT ENTER.” A tear glides gently down my face, unwelcome.

Gone, Not Forever

2011-11-29T09:06:00.000-08:00

I am going through my life from the past four years. I am figuring some things out and have taken all my writings to help do that. Have no fear, some of them will come back up. Keep checking back and if you want to be notified, you can sign up to have an email notification sent when that happens.

Thanks.

Thanks Giving

2011-11-24T14:29:00.001-08:00

Oh, Heavenly Father, We thank you for food and remember the hungry. We thank you for health and remember the sick. We thank you for friends and remember the friendless. We thank you for freedom and remember the enslaved. May these remembrances stir us to service, that your gifts to us may be used for others. Amen.

The past year has been challenging at best. There were many moments of joy and discovery. Many more moments of heartbreak. Without a doubt if it was not for the love, support, forgiveness, exncouragement, and acceptance of my friends and family there is no way I would have made it through. So many people have been infuential over the direction my life is currently going, I don't even know where to start.

Cathy - I am pretty sure I do not deserve your friendship. You are an amazing woman and truly beautiful. You have taught me so much in the way of forgiveness, kindness, tolerance, love, friendship. I truly admire you for the woman you are, for your incredible strength and love for yourself, your friends, your children (alll four of them), and all your family. Your openness, your loyalty and your patience are incredible. I am truly blessed to have been allowed into your life. I am so thankful for you.

Roxanne - I tell you everyday how much I love you. You have been a solid rock for me to lean on at times I wish I could have avoided. You have encouraged me, loved me, and trusted me. You faith in my words as Ms. Kettle is undeserved. You make me laugh, you make me cry, and you make me believe that I truly am worth so much more. Without you, there would be no me.

Mindy - You are such a beautiful woman. I am so happy that we "met" . You bring so much joy to my life. You make me laugh and you are so silly in the most wonderful way. I love hearing the joy in your voice when I call. You are a wonderful friend and being a passenger on your journey and how far you have come in the last six months. Thank you so much for finding something amazing inside me that was worth growing this friendship. Please come visit me soon.

Aaron - I don't know that I truly possess the words to express my gratitude for all you have carried me through in the past year. The loss of love, the loss of a job, the start of a new job, another misspent relationship. I have cried a hundred tears in your presence, I have smiled a thousand smiles. You have shared your music with me, your writing, your path...a great blessing I will always cherish. In turn, you have encouraged my writing, pushed me to exceed my perceived limits, and taught me the value in being honest with myself and with others. You add incredible value to my life.

Peter and the Writer's Croft - I cannot express how amazing my participation in the Writer's Croft has been, and Peter has been an encouraging force behind getting me in the group and ensuring I received everything I could out of it, and a lot more than I ever anticipated. The encouragement and flattery my writing has recieved from the others inside the Croft was unexpected and has touched me in ways that I will forever treasure. You have given me the courage to write a book about something I never thought I would. Your excitement and enthusiasm has made writing about it easier than I ever thought it would be. Thank you a hundred times.

Tim - You have really stepped up for me in the past year. Your dedication to helping me with our daughter and being there for her and me through the difficult times of the last six months have been so helpful and I cannot thank you enough. I know it's your job but I greatly appreciate it.

Brianna and Xavier - I don't usually put you guys in here specifically because it goes without saying that I am thankful and blessed to have you every day. You two are so perfect. I truly could not ask for better kids. You both are sweet, loving, funny, helpful, and smart. Moving makes me happier than seeing you two play and hearing you two laugh. You two are most definitely the best I've ever created and my greatest blessing.

Lori - You have saved me in more ways than you will ever know. You held my hand helping me find my way down a path I had been staring at for a long time. That path is one of the greatest blessings of the last year and has become a huge part of my life. I have also been fortunate to be a witness to your strength, courage, faith, love, and patience. I admire your ability to find humor in aggravation, wisdom in frustration, and encouragement in life's ever growing lemons. Your acceptance of limited control amazes me everytime. I am so thankful to call you a friend.

My parents - Thank you for loving me and for finally listening to my words of forgiveness. Thank you for never giving up on me and for waiting until my heart was ready.

Cotter - You continue to bail me out and I am sure I'd be living in a cardboard box if it weren't for you. Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for letting me be your place to fall even when sometimes I'm a bitch. Lol. I love you and I'm glad I get to see you every week.

Ashlee and Ashley - Both of you have been the bridge back to my brothers. I appreciate you both including me in this family and making me feel welcomed and loved. It means so much to me to be here as my nieces and nephews grow. You are both great mothers and wives and have so many qualities I admire. And although I've put you together here, you both have many unique qualities that I enjoy seeing in action. Your kindness and love for me is more than I ever would have dreamed possible.

And finally a special thanks to my boss Lisa. Without you've I am not sure how I would have survived my first year at a job I wasn't really sure I wanted. You constantly supports me, guide me, and set an example of how I should be. You have made sharing my struggles and successes and dreams okay to exist. I appreciate and value you every day. Thank you for your incredible encouragement.

Beyond just those mentioned above, I am incredibly thankful for EVERYONE in my life. I have learned to surround myself with people who add value to my life each and every day. There is no one who doesn't live up to this. I have been blessed with strong bonds that somehow seem to withstand the test of time and distance. When I need shelter from the storm, a soft place to fall, or just someone to make me feel special, valuable, or loved I never have far to go. I cannot truly explain how phenomenal that is, how truly magical.
I thank God and Heaven for the love, joy, triumphs, and peace i have in my life.
I am healthy, wealthy in ways beyond fortune, and I am so happy with how far my life has come in the past four years. Thank you to all those who have shared in my journey. You are my all my dreams come true.

A Story

2011-11-20T13:32:00.001-08:00

I joined a group at church called Foundations. It's basically a small group bible study. In the first two weeks, they asked everyone to go around and introduce themselves and how they came to be spiritually in the group, specifically their personal journey to God.
As we went around I found it interesting that so many people their, in this Christian church, had a background in the Catholic church. What does that say when so many people flea a religious upbringing?
When it came to me, I told my story to this journey where I am today. It went something like this...

I was born into Catholism. My parents met at a Catholic High School. We were baptised Catholic and brought to Sunday school and Caticism (CCD). If yo uknow anything about the Catholic religion you know they have this practice of confession. The problem was, as a little girl, I didn't do naughty things. I did what my parents asked. I was helpful and kind to others. So I had nothing to confess. But the priests never believed you. And so I would make up things in confession. Then the next week I would confess I had lied in confession. It was a mockery.
I was also quite astute. So I recognized early on being told to do stuff for God because I loved him, which seemed hypocritical when the collction basket came around.
One night when I was nine and my dad was tucking me in, I told him I didn't want to go to church anymore. I told him that I felt God was in my heart and that I didn't need a priest to talk to him, I just could. I told him that I found the whole church was more questions than answers and thus I wanted no part of it. I was nine and after moving several times across the country and dealing with my nine year old life I was confused enough without the church adding to that. I told my dad I felt God was all araound me, in the wind and the flowers and in all creation that surrounded me always. My dad kissed my head, told me he believed the same and I didn't have to go anymore.
Fast forward eight years and getting married I wanted to do it in a church, because some how marriage only felt real to me if done in a church. I was searching for something real. We found a baptist church to attend. We really liked the Pastor, but the whole church going experience was very intimating. When we arrived that first day it was a whirlwind of people sucking onto us. It was very overwhelming. When we were invited to the Pastors home, a sprawling half million dollar home I found myself plagued once again. I am not kidding when I say his home was twice the size of the church and a lot more modernized. We didn't last long, in the church or in the marriage.
About a year ago my life started spiraling. All the plans I had made that I thought were going to last crumbled beneath my feet in a terribly sickening way. I was searching for something and after attending the funeral of a man I really respected, who was Catholic, I decided to give my roots another try. I went to a local church and sat quietly in the back. I cried through the whole service, even though I understood nothing of what was going on. I went to the library and picked up Catholism for Dummies, yes that is a real book. They have a Dummies guide for everything. I began reading about the religion I came from and learned quickly that although Catholics will forgive nearly any sin, they still leave you tarnished and in a way, unworthy. I would go only when I needed to be close to God, but because of the judgement, guilt and scrutiny I felt (even though no one talked to me) I ultimately could not get into it and could not open my heart to it.
A few months back I felt stuck in a series of circles in my life, in my love, in my work, in pretty much every aspect of my well being. I felt like I was going up the down escalator and as such I was getting nowhere. Aching for more and not knowing how or where or who to get that from, I posted on my Facebook that I was stuck and tired of being stuck. My friend Lori responded with a video short from her church about a new series they were starting called Momentum. She invited me to join her, and I said yes. Followed by when. We went back and forth a few times on which of the four weekend sermons I wanted to attend. She paused and said, if we can't figure out this weekend we can meet for next weekend. I said no. Now. I needed to go then, something was pulling me and I knew I couldn't wait. So I showed up and suddenly things made sense. They explained the bible in a way that finally made sense. It seemed to scream out application in my life today. Plus there was a kind of energy that seemed to bleed into me. I haven't been able to stop going. It seems to complete me. Fills a piece of me in a way that people cannot. I love the lessons and I love being inspired to share and believe and serve others in my life and my community.

Truth

2011-11-18T21:44:00.001-08:00

I've had many conversations where I have talked freely about wanting to further my career in corporate communications. The truth is, that's a lie. Now don't get me wrong, I like what I do and if I am going to have to work I might as well enjoy what I do. But the truth is, if I was truly able to do anything and financially support my life and my family, it would not be corporate communications.

Honestly and truthfully, I want to not "work". I want to write. Not write about corporate stuff, but write about life. My life. My thoughts. My world. The things that happen and the things that my mind makes up.

I want to volunteer at my kids school, at my church, in my community. I want to inspire people and encourage them. I want to be there to help people through their problems.

I want to clean my house. Make homemade dinners every night. I want to sit down with my kids while they do their homework and have enough energy to massage my husband when he has had a long day at work. I want to bake dessert and walk the dog.

All this sounds silly but I want to be a woman from multiple generations all rolled into one. I want my life to mean something. To touch a lot of people and make a difference. I want to be appreciated, admired and loved.

Sounds simple. It isn't but I hope and dream and try to achieve it anyway.

Peppercini = F.U.N.

2011-11-18T18:45:00.001-08:00

I love peppercinis. I didn't alwats but a now ex taught me the value of spice and truthfully I'm pretty thankful for that, they taste good and happen to be my "spicy" treat of the day. (Who needs sweet when you have spice?)
Tonight my kids and I were hanging out in the Kitchen while nymph six year old ate dinner and I snacked on peppercinis and my oldest just hung out because she loves us. I was trying to get them to try the peppercini but both refused. Finally, possibly after a threat to shut off a cell phone, my oldest agreed. I held it out and she bit down and there must have been a small pin prick hole in it because a stream of juices squirt out and land directly on me! The kids begin giggling hysterically, me too actually. My six year old then wants to try for the shear purpose of squirting me, I obliged. What can I say? I'm an awesome mom!
At this point all they are doing is biting down on it,playing, but they are not willing to actually eat it. But I am way clever than them.
My kids are really competitive. They get it from me. So I tell them we will race. Them against me. Pepper to pepper. They agree and off we go. He bites half. She bites half. I bit whole and we are racing to the swallow line. In all honesty I won but I pretended to still chew so they could have the glory and because I was impressed. After they won they excitedly declared in an awkward run on sentence that the peppercini was nasty and they wanted to do it again.

They power of winning is amazing. So is the laughter of my children.

We Didn't Start the Fire

2011-11-17T18:38:00.001-08:00

When I was in fifth or sixth grade, my social studies teacher did a class project. He took the lyrics from Billy Joel's We Didn't Start the Fire and each student had to write a report on their lyric. If you aren't familiar with the song, YouTube it. It is littered with history that soon will be forgotten by the next generation. I still haven't forgotten this project and I think of it often. It made me truly appreciate how impressionable children in that age group are. How easily they can be influenced. How right then, in that moment, so much of what will become them is stirring to life. If you look close enough you can even see it.

Currently I am a writer in corporate America. I can't complain. I like what I do and it gets the job done. But reflecting on where my heart pulls and ultimately the things I would like to do, the following idea spilled into an ordinary conversation about how the world would be a whole lot better if we all committed to making it that way.

There is a joke out there, goes like this..."A truck driver was driving his truck and got stuck under an overpass. He was wedged in there so tightly he couldn't get the truck out. For hours the traffic backed up as drivers, police officers, even engineers stood staring at the unmovable truck. Just when they were ready to sliced the top of the truck off in order to get it out, a little boy of about 9 came over with his father. The little boy looked and said curiously, "Why don't you just let the air out of the tires to make it sink down enough to get out." Everyone stopped talking, looked at the boy, then the truck. And within minutes the truck was freed and traffic back on track."

I love that story. It reminds me that whenever I think something is complicated, it is more than likely my adult mind making it that way. The true importance of that story is that kids have great ideas, and sometimes they never get to say them, and other times they just aren't given the freedom to come up with the idea.

I think I realized today that I want to give them that freedom and encouragement. I'd like to design a class lesson that stretches a quarter and aims at educating on an issue in our community, state, country or even world that needs to be fixed. I want to ask kids, how would you fix this or solve this or work to encourage people to ban together to do so? I want to help kids bring concepts to reality and make an impactful difference in the world we all live in.
We all have a commitment to reach outside ourselves and into our community. We have become a selfish world and we need to become unselfish through gifts of sharing not just in the problems but in the solutions. We should all be committed to leaving a positive footprint for generations to follow. The is significant value in helping in our community and our country and our world.
Many small ideas spread into worldwide efforts that were successful in creating a better tomorrow. (Think Wallets for Water and Tom's Shoes). I bet that the people who are now at the top of those non-profits all started with just one idea, and probably a basement somewhere.

It's time to leave a footprint. My question is will you leave one worth following?

Big Decision

2011-09-30T21:49:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I have made a decision that I am very excited about. When I started Finding Your Kansas four years ago I did it to help me find myself and grow into the person I felt I was meant to be. Many people have helped me through this journey and I've learned so much and those lessons have been passed along to my friends and family making a difference in their lives like it did mine.
Along the way many, many have asked me to write a book or when I planned on doing so. I've always dreamed of doing it however the idea was never truly something I considered acting on. I figured everyone simply liked my writing because you knew me and you were being supportive.
Part of my thought process of not really taking the book writing serious was because I just didn't have the confidence to believe I would get published. I figured, who besides myself would want to read nymph thoughts on life. And the idea of trying to get men in suits who think they can pick the next best seller the opportunity to tell me all the things wrong with my book and then even if I found someone to publish it there was the fear of being undervalued as a writer. All of it seemed very scary and very much like it would suck the fur. Put of why I write to begin with.
Two weeks ago I joined a writing g circle. My teacher (for lack of a better word) wrote to the circle today about very similar feelings. And he has been doing this awhile! After reading his thoughts and his words on self publishing I thought of a recent conversation between me and my friend who is currently an independent musician. We were talking about the freedom of independent musicianship to write, sing, and produce the music of their choices. My teacher also mentioned independent writers and how in this digital age independence may not win you best seller noteriety, although it may, but it does also have some advantages.
All this got me thinking about why I write to begin with and what I want my writing to do. I started thinking about how if I self publish and roll the dice, putting effort into getting it out there that I don't have to wprry about the rejection of trying to get published plus if I am able to take off I don't have to share the profits.
So what I decided was to spend the next twelve weeks learning in this writing class and then to look back on my FYK journey at the most valuable lessons I've learned and the transitions I've taken and the advice I've managed to share while capturing the attention of others. I'm going to compile this into a memoir and then edit it and look to self publish. I'm excited for this journey and am happy to announce it here.
thank you for your love and support!

Road

2011-09-28T00:37:00.001-07:00

"More important than the roads I have been on, is the road I am currently travelling." - SDZ

2011 was supposed to be a year of growth but instead of that growth being spread out it is all been condensed to right now. I feel myself in the middle of the biggest spiritual growth spurt since 2007 when I started the original journey of Finding my Kansas.

The theme has really been centered on acceptance. Acceptance of who I am, of where I have come from, of mistakes I've made, and acceptance of the blessings, however different from my dreams, that exist in my everyday wonderful.

I used to put a lot more stock in the roads that got me here and now I realize what's more important is the road I'm currently on. What matters is who I am today, in this moment. Am I proud of the reflection? Am I happy in my moments alone? Do I see my legacy already alive in my children?

Life is awakening around me as I force myself out of what's comfortable and exchange it for something that feels right. I am stronger in my embrace of understanding, compassion, and forgiveness. I am free in my capacity for kindness, giving, and love.

In 2010 my mantra was *live with intention *love my man *kiss my kids *have faith in my God *find joy in my life * be true to myself . I reflect on these with satisfaction that I accomplished truly bringing these into my life each day, with commitment to live with purpose. In 2011 my mantra has been *perfection is subjective *control is limited *acceptance trumps understanding *enjoy patience *it's my garden *trust what feels right. I can see these lessons coming fast and furious. I'm closing the chapter on acceptance and entering my own garden.

I feel rejuvenated as I've begun setting fear aside, challenging myself to be controlled both in discomfort and adversity. I admit I am terrified, what a glorious feeling to be able to be alive and living my life well enough to experience not the terror but overcoming it through faith.

Butterfly Kisses

2011-09-25T22:14:00.001-07:00

Buddy just snuggled up. It looked like he was smelling my armpit, so I asked if that was what he was doing. He said no. He was giving me butterfly kisses. I said how sweet it was and he said, "sometimes I give myself butterfly kisses!" He is so sweet

The Beautiful View

2011-09-16T09:23:00.001-07:00

They climbed the mountain up so high
Like a stairwell leading to the sky

They marveled at the city view
The tiny cars and houses too

The world was quiet all around
It would take hours for them to be found

The played and danced along the edge
Teasing the rocky mountain ledge

Without warning the clouds rolled in
The devil was coming for their sins

Nowhere to run they sat there scared
Facing everything that they have feared

They reached for one another's hand
But it was too late for both to stand

Their eyes said what they both knew
Only one could stay of the two

A sacrifice would suffice this creature
But who would go the student or the teacher

Without a word the both jumped off
hand in hand their actions scoffed

There was no way that one could go
And leave the other alone with the crow

So with their love, brave and true
They jumped together, to the beautiful view.

Flowers

2011-09-15T19:33:00.002-07:00

Today held such a sweet surprise. Flowers from my soulmate for my birthday. How lucky am I? I mean granted I would be luckier if she and I could run away To an island faraway with no worries and plenty of hot young studs who compliment us daily....but this life is a good second choice provided I have her to share it with...the good, the lemons, and the subsequent lemon drop shots.
The past couple years have been ever changing for both of us. I am not sure I have ever or could ever trust anyone else. I am not sure everyday love is enough to quantify the emotions I feel for her.
She is my everything.
She is the person who lifts me up,
And the one who catches me when I fall.
She makes me laugh,
And makes me cry - in a good way.
She listens to me,
Reads me,
Hears me,
Knows me,
And creates me.
Sh is crazy enough to love me
And Jack, Sophia, and Riley too.
She can justify anything I do,
from little white lies
To cold hearted truths
From super secret spy work
to blatant stalking
From running away
To surrendering my heart
From forgiveness
To bus driving.
If I need an angel,
Or a devil,
On my shoulder
She is always there.
She encourages me,
believes in me,
Trusts in me,
Inspires me,
Supports me,
And protects me...
Even from myself.
She went with me to the funeral of someone she never knew, the father of a man who at the time was tearing my heart to pieces, just to hold my hand. She even got a speeding ticket for me.
I have been so blessed to have her in my heart and my mind everyday. She reads everything I write and she loves me anyway. She made 7-11 fantastic and laughter part of my daily routine. Without her I would be lost, who knows where, but most definitely alone. I am beyond lucky.

Thank you for being my entire hearts desire. Thank you for being the one person I know won't ever leave. Thank you for letting me cry, laugh, scream, yell, talk, b silent, write and listen when I needed it most.

There I wrote the dedication for my book. LOL love you more than anyone else I have a choice to love.

Lessons of Time

2011-09-11T23:31:00.001-07:00

A test of time
Provides a glimpse
Of secrets hidden
In brokens limbs

We march to lessons
Not yet learned
lost in discovery
Of hearts that yearn.

A soap box once
To stand upon
Now sits empty
On the lawn

Boundaries strong
they mark a line
Drawn with sand
that moves not binds

Our thoughts made up
Of last years crime
We fail to forgive
The hurts we mime.

A broken heart
finds comfort in
a soul that's lost
Its self to sin

Happy 31st Birthday

2011-09-07T08:11:00.001-07:00

It is so strange to think that today you would be 31. Although I have written the memory of your life unlived., I still can't help thinking, "what if"?
What if you had been able to spend the last thirty years living a life taken too young? Would you have inspired and encouraged all of us to be more than we became? Would we have been as close as I imagine? Would you have been giving of the world, loving and kind? How would your presence as an adult shaped the world around you?
All your birthdays have been hard, but this one has me struggling in new ways. Maybe it is because I have been trying to get back to a family lost to both of us. Maybe it is because I find myself in a year of appreciation for life and thus knowing yours is gone seems so ...unfair. Maybe it is because this year I've lost a great friend and so I am more raw to the feeling of loss.
Life is strange and unplanned, despite all the best efforts. In the past few days I've been given the opportunity to speak to the kind of life I want to live, the kind of things I want to be remembered for in death. I am sad that you weren't given enough time here on earth to be able to have answered that question. That serves as a reminder to me that There is no tomorrow in which to become the person I want to be, with the kind of life I wish to have.
For today, in all my sadness, I am going to think of you and I am going to remind myself that being alive is not enough...I need to live.

Today I will do my best to celebrate your life. I'll take your clothes and shoes out of the closet and breathe you into me. I will take your pictures off the shelf and look at you lovingly. I will sing you happy birthday and make a wish for you. I will read the loving and supportive words for friends and family who celebrated your life with us.

I will ache in this loss, cry until I break. But I will also be happy that I was ever given an opportunity to have met you and loved you. I suppose in someways I am learning that Gods greatest gifts to us are truly the ones he only lets us borrow on a limited time.

I love you Breezy. Thank you for the ways you continue to add value to my life.

Weeping Willow by Amethyst Million, 14 (My Niece)

2011-09-06T22:40:00.001-07:00

Outside my window from the view of my pillow
Stands a shyly swinging weeping willow.
The wind through it's branches sings a sad song
That I didn't even know I knew all along.
It sings of unfulfilled wishes.
And un-kissed first kisses.
Of every crushed dream.
Of things we wish were unseen.
It whispers the sweet words
We wish we had heard
Such as "I'm always there for you."
And "For you there isn't a thing I wouldn't do!"
This sad singing weeping willow is just like me
Always hoping and wishing that someone will see
That we're damaged just under "be on repair"
But soon we'll be gone if someone doesn't start to care.
We're slowly breaking...
And always aching
At being so alone.
We're becoming as mindless as a drone.
All I want is for you to see.
All I want is for you to notice me.
I feel as if I'm dying...
Because your not even trying.

Beautiful Happy

2011-09-04T19:05:00.001-07:00

Lost in the music as we drive and listen, I feel happy. I catch my reflection in the mirror. My smile brilliant, my eyes sparkle. I hardly recognize the girl I see.

I forgot how beautiful being happy makes me. I overflow with enjoyment in this simplistic moment. A place where music is finding me, where excitement passes from one soul to the next without any purpose. The comfort of friendship embraces me, breathes me alive effortlessly. I'm filled with satisfaction in this moment asking nothing of me; my pressence being enough.

My mouth smiles without request, a natural reaction of beautiful happiness. My soul dances through my body like a child on her favorite morning. The sunsets into me as the music pours out of me. The world takes me and I belong here in this moment that I hate to end.

The importance of this moment is unknown to its participants. This moment says more than the face value of the picture. It provides a strength and comfort that will continue long after the moment has passed. It will be engraved in my mind as a reminder of how beautiful I become in my own happiness.

Breathe (2 am)

2011-09-04T02:14:00.001-07:00

No one but you and I could truly understand the humor in the title Breathe. This is my favorite part of our friendship. These are the moments when I am thankful we have stayed friends, these are the moments I will miss more than anything when you become out of reach. The pondering over lyrics that are so close. The excitement of a melody that leaves me aching when it stops. The laughter in disapproving words over my attempts to dodge responsibility of ending my latest mistake. These are the moments that mean so much to me, that remind me how important you are to me. The moments that tell me what you can't, that I am important to you too.

Of all my friends, you are the one I most hate to disappoint. Too often I think of you in life's dance...too often I wonder what you will think when I tell you. You are so important to me.

You are amazing. I hope that as life moves you forward through exciting times that you think of me and our friendship fondly. I love where we landed. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Blogger Hates Me

2011-09-03T20:22:00.001-07:00

For some unknown reason my formally left hand column featuring my bloglist has decided to migrate south for the winter. I have no idea why but suddenly midway through today it fell down to the bottom of my page and refuses to go back up where it belongs. I have given up my attempt to help it relocate. I am resorting to prayer that it finds the strength to get up.

Is it possible my blog has sympathy depression?

The Library

2011-09-03T18:07:00.001-07:00

I love the library. I went today to get lost in something bigger than myself. When I get to the library I feel the words flow into me. I find it inspiring.

I often head for the biography section. Something about reading others tell their thoughts and secrets makes me feel alive. I feel like their friend or confidant. I feel liki I am sharing life with them. I get lost in their story and it all feels familiar.

I cry with them, laugh with them, love with them. I become excited as they lean in and whisper their inner most thoughts.

Today I saw so many names...people I didn't recognize and I thought...someday I will be here on a shelf. I will be whispering my thoughts and secrets to a stranger who will then come alive as I do. I cannot wait. Someday my life will be allowed to be focused on the things I have written. The things that make me smile and cry and laugh and long for. Someday, someone will read my words and they will feel as I do when i read someone else's.

Someday a piece of me will live here in the library.

Not Found in a Store

2011-08-31T16:48:00.001-07:00

When we were little
we'd laugh and sing
Spinning circles,
around the ring

We ran through the park
And climbed big trees
Fresh cut grass fights
And games that were free

Our imaginations
Helped us to be
Teachers, pirates,
Astronauts and royalty.

Cardboard box
And leaves in a pile
Became a boat
And the river Nile

Garden snakes
Were dragon spawn
A three day hike
Was our lawn

We ate burgers
made with mud
Made Santa's beard
with bubblebath suds.

We learned to laugh
To skip and play
Jump rope songs,
Bowls made of clay.

Red rover, freeze tag,
Monkey in the middle
These were the games
When we were little.

We blew bubbles
At the park
Played outside
From dawn to dark

We made forts
Out in the woods
Knew all the kids
in our neighborhood

It is nice to remember
we weren't bored
Playing with things
Not found in a store.

21 Days

2011-08-25T17:07:00.001-07:00

So my friend bet me i couldn't go 21 days without drinking. I use the term bet loosely because neither of us actually win anything except maybe bragging rights. I knew i could do it, although i still have a week, because i don't typically drink that much. I drink most of the time he sees me but that is because he is a musician who plays in a bar and thus when i am at his shows, o drink. But if he played in coffee shops i would drink coffee. If i could get him to play i. A gym, i would work out.

He doesn't think i can do it because he believes the more your mind says you can't have something, the more you want it. Or something like that.

So far it has been a breeze even with peer pressure from everyone including him. But i will succeed.

I even find myself now thinking...why start back up at all? Not that i couldn't but how far can i go? For kicks at least? And i am wondering why it takes someone i am "reporting" to in order for me to do what i really want to?

I guess it is that overall lack of belief in myself or perhaps that all too familiar desire to please another and meet their expectations for me. I wonder if this is easy because i don't really care too much about alcohol ...should i try spear next or men or sweets or something else all too tempting for me to resist?

The Good in my Life

2011-08-23T20:13:00.001-07:00

Nothing makes me feel better like reflection on the blessings in my life. So today in the midst of an emotional roller coaster which only proved that i am in fact a mess. I'm going to pause and remember how blessed i truly am.

To all my friends and family, those who are new and those who have seen me through years, i thank each of you. I would be nothing without you. You all encourage me, believe in me, and love me. I've never questioner the strength that i have gotten from the love you have showered me with. I cannot express my gratitude enough.

Life is far from what i thought it would become. I have been unlucky in love, unlucky with work. I have personally been filled to my very depths with sorrow and felt defeated in life. I can honestly and truly say that my friends and family have been my very reason for living this past year. In fact, one year ago i stood on a cliff and imagined every branch that might hit me on my way back to heaven. Thank you to a good friend who said, "please don't".

I thank everyone for their love, support, and encouragement. Thank you for being the light at the end of a dark tunnel, thank you for your inspiring thoughts, thank you for lifting me up, and for carrying me through days of hurt i thought would never end. In this life i have been blessed with so many wonderful people. I am certainly blessed.

As always, there are some people that i must express an even deeper gratitude for, so with the deepest of love....off we go.

Chickie and Buddy, i am so blessed to have such wonderful children. You each are so sweet, nice, talented, energetic, supportive, and loving. You are independent and strong. I look at you and i live in amazement. My soul filled with joy. I love the laughter we share. I love the hugs and kisses that you have yet to get too old for. You guys are so sweet with breakfast in bed and our conversations are always beyond what i thought we would have. I love you so very much and wouldn't ever change that i am blessed to call you mine.

Roxanne, without you my heart would ache. You are my truest friend. You give me your undying love, support, and friendship. You listen to me vent and even complain. You never tell me to give up on a love i know i should. You make breathing so much easier. I love that i can laugh with you, cry with you, share joy with you and ache with you. I am never alone. Thank you for being the beacon for my ship to follow. Thank you for teaching me sometimes love really does conquer all.

Mindy, we have become fast friends through understanding, honesty, and humor. You are so clever and there are moments you capture the secrets that my heart denies. You make me smile everyday. You are so much smarter, and wiser than you give yourself credit for. You have a strength inside you and i feel proud to have been given the opportunity to watch it grow. You are amazing in so many ways and i am glad that we found each other in this world. Thank you for sharing your world with me, opening it up for my enjoyment. You seem to always know what to say, and when to say it. You are the piece that has been missing. Thank you for coming home.

Aaron, i don't care if you don't believe in destiny, there is nothing random about us meeting and managing through two very busy schedules a friendship that i wouldn't trade for anything. Your music has danced with my soul. You heartache has helped my own find relief. Nothing prepared me for the wisdom you have opened my mind to. You are an anchor for my ever moving thoughts. I feel incredibly selfish when I'm able to steal an hour of conversation. You have simple helper me to listen to life so differently. As if it were possible, i feel more than i ever did but in a way that is so completely freeing. You have been my shoulder through some very very sad moments. Many men would have said....don't you have a girlfriend? Lol but not you. You let me cry as long as i needed, let me be angry, hurt. You helped me forget and escape when my world felt unbearable. You taught me that it isn't the falling that is hard, it's the getting back up and finding the courage to risk the fall again. I am so excited for your life. Thank you for including me on your journey, I'll never regret a moment of our friendship, you've been my favorite place to fall.

Ted, no one has ever made the phrase "i love you stupid" sound quite as good as you have. Over the years our friendship has changed in so many ways but you have always been honest and you have always loved me for who i was in that moment, never who i would become. I know that you will never be too far away to make me laugh. You bring me incredible joy. You know everything about me and still you love me. I have no fear when it comes to you. Thank you for too many early morning airport runs. Ive been incredibly lucky to count on you.

There are so many others i could easily write about and will throughout the upcoming days.

Life When I Am Alone

2011-08-21T12:45:00.001-07:00

Many of my friends don't think I enjoy being alone. I actually enjoy it quite a bit. I am just social by nature and enjoy being in the company of others more. Not just any others...people I love and respect and trust. People who fill the same as me and people I can be 100 percent authentic around. But when those people are not available I actually enjoy the company I keep alone with myself.

I turn the music on and listen to the songs I love and songs I haven't heard in awhile. I write and I read what I wrote months and years in the past. I look at pictures and I walk freely around my apartment that stays clean because there is no one to mess it up. I close my eyes and find myself in a place where the voices in my head sit still. I pray to God and thank Heaven for my blessings. I find a unique strength in my time alone when strength is not needed.

I dance to the beat of my life which is easy to see as full of love and happiness and good in these moments alone...uncluttered by existence outside of my own. I melt into myself here because I am allowed to be first...to be only. I can think more clearly, because I can see my place in this world.

I am able to see the honesty I have been hiding in the chaos. I can breath. So it is never that I can't be alone or dislike it. I can and I enjoy it. I choose to be surrounded in my life by friends and family because as much as I enjoy myself I enjoy others equally.

Foolish Thoughts

2011-08-19T06:59:00.001-07:00

Foolish thoughts betray me
Running circles in my head
cleverly hidden in the action
Are the truthful words unsaid.

Foolish thoughts betray me
As they whisper I love you
But what about these actions
Is what lovers do?

Foolish thoughts betray me
Full of hope and love and such
The pick me up only after
I've dropped to my knees too much

Foolish thoughts betray me
When I let them stay too long
I've got to let them go
If I ever want to be strong.

Foolish thoughts betray me
Make me forget just what I want
They tease me with their taste,
in their memories they taunt.

Foolish thoughts betray me
Wanting for another day
A dream of us forever
A hint of he will stay.

Foolish thoughts betray me
But they are of my own device
It's easy to say don't listen
but hard to follow your own advice.

Foolish thoughts betray me
just because they can
Foolish thoughts they hurt me
More than I can stand

Public Transit

2011-08-18T16:08:00.001-07:00

Here is the deal. Last December I took a job in central phoenix, about 25 miles one way. I was burning through two gallons of gas a day, a tank every week. Unless you live under a rock you know that's an expensive bill for the luxury of driving myself to work. When you tack on another $50.00 to park you can see this was a costly adventure for a single mom with two kids and no money to spare. I don't even have cable.

I started looking into public transportation and found there are two express routes within two miles of my home, both of which drop me off on the front steps of my office. So I thought I'd check it out. The cost is $87.00 a month. And for what little driving I would have to do it turns out id save about 200 or more dollars a day. So I took the leap and now here I am...bus rider number 23 as we make our way to downtown Gilbert.
I've found many advantages to taking the bus. For starters it is great for the environment and as we already discussed, great for my bank account. But it gives me a little transition time in between the phases of my day. In the morning I can move away from the hectic times of waking up and getting dressed and running to two different schools my children. I can text my easy coast friends for our daily powwow of last night or the upcoming debacles. I can blot if I so please. I get to mentally prepare for the workload heading my way. On the flipside the afternoon ride gives me a little time to unwind from the craziness and demand of my job. I can think to clear my head or write again, like I am now, without putting my life in danger with juggling the requirement of paying attention while I drive. Plus it's less likely I'll get in an accident this way since most people notice a 40 foot bus, and should an accident occur it most definitely won't be at my fault.
The next thing I hope to start is riding my bike to the bus. The four miles on my bike would further benefit the environment but would also be good for my heart. Im going to research that next. :)

Scapegoat

2011-08-15T16:36:00.001-07:00

Sure, why know
I'll be your scapegoat.
Pretend I'm the crocodile
circling the moat.

Go ahead and just blame me
Its my fault you know
I search you out
And dish a hard blow.

I'm just wicked and awful
Or you'll sell me to be
Make all your problems
loop back to just me.

Ask me advice
Then twist up my words
Make them mean something else
entirely absurd.

Use me to manage
Whatever agenda you serve
Pay no mind to what
I actually deserve.

Dear God and Heaven

2011-08-10T06:18:00.001-07:00

I know I have been blessed and I am truly thankful for the good in my life. I find myself low on faith, struggling to balance this world with the one that I feel in my heart...the world full of hopes and dreams that have yet to come alive. Please help me. Please teach me that dreams do come true. Please teach me that hard work yeilds fruitful trees. Please teach me that better can come after worse, that love can conquer all. Please teach me that happiness is perspective. Please teach me that time gives way to bright beginnings. Please lord, heal my broken heart and shattered dreams. Please stop my tears with the comfort of your breath. Please give me strength and compassion and forgiveness to carry me across the hot desert sands, across impossible oceans. Teach me that I am worth more than I can see. Teach me. Just teach me.

Misery's Friend

2011-07-22T00:29:00.001-07:00

Years have past since you became
Misery's most trusted friend.
I sit and wonder how long until
The torture created begins to end.

Part of me just
wants to scream
You bring it on
your failed dreams.

No changes made
no mistakes undone
It won't go away
Just because you run.

You need to find
the honest lies
Admit the end
You both don't try.

You've spent too long
with misery's signs
You can't get back
what you left behind

It's already gone
To a different place
so just let go
You've got no ace.

You gave into
Misery's fire
You lost your love
Your will and desire.

It's Only Hair

2011-07-21T23:31:00.001-07:00

She stands in front of the mirror, blow drying her once dark auburn locks. Much lighter now, not quite blonde ...perhaps strawberry blonde? She wonders what it will look like in the mod ing sunshine.
As she dries her hair she thinks about the woman she now sees. Is she different? More confident? More controlled? More enjoyable?

She considers tomorrow's questions of 'why'. She wonders the answer. Was she bored? Depressed? Searching? She will tell people she did it because it is summertime and she had been wanting to. But that's a lie. Like a child her life has felt so uncontrollable for the past twelve months. Men have come and gone, friendships blossomed while others faded. Moves and new jobs. Court cases and a new dog. Debts incurred and car accidents have left her reeling. She has lost the ability to effectively control or manage any part of her life. But today she found control I her ability to change just her hair. It's a healthier control than she had previously excercised.

So sure, it's only hair...but today it was the start of a plan to gain strength and recapture control over at least one thing in her life.

Wonderland

2011-07-19T12:35:00.001-07:00

Just like Alice

Here I go

Falling endlessly

To where I don’t know.

Why did I follow

That silly white rabbit

Was I looking for something

Or was it a force of habit?

This has to be

The longest drop

I don’t care where

I just want it to stop.

The darkness moves slowly

In this unfamiliar place

I’m frightened by nothing

Just a vast lonely space.

My fears settle in

My heart is their home

I’m aching and hurting

At everything unknown

I just want to find

A place to belong

To share my life, and my love

With someone not wrong.

But here in this wonderland

There is nothing to find

Except maybe the knowledge

That control should be mine.

We Were Honest

2011-07-15T23:21:00.001-07:00

We were both single but knew our lives today and our dreams for tomorrow left no room for imaginary futures. The chemistry was irresistible. We knew we couldn't lose. A secret kept simply because it was delicate. To explain a choice of sharing time temporarily was unnecessary. I had never felt more free than in those hidden moments. Perhaps that's why I'm longing for them once again. I want to feel free, capable of embracing each minute separately.

...With Benefits

2011-07-15T22:48:00.001-07:00

Friends with benefits. Brilliant concept.

I've had it
and enjoyed every second of the smile that brightened his face when he saw me....
perhaps filling his mind with memories of my tongue on his body
or his hands on my thighs.

I enjoyed the strength of his arms...
moving me at his will.

The safety of his heart...
not giving
or taking.

I found solace in his mouth...
one moment ravaging me
the next offering
wisdom,
laughter,
life.

A place to get lost.
A place to be found.
A place to be alone with him
in a moment of pleasure,
escaping a pain.

It was what I needed,
when I needed it,
for not nearly long enough.

I miss this man.

I miss the fun of knowing
one kiss
meant no stopping
Until we had been soaked in each other.

I miss the feeling of a secret
that no one knew,
and yet everyone did.

I miss the thrill of the lie....
"we are just friends".

I miss the anticipation hours of teasing,
torment for what was to come...
ecstasy uninhibited.

I miss the electricity in his touch,
the look of desire.

I miss the escape from my world to his.
A world where nothing was asked,
or taken,
or mine.

I miss the serenity
in the times in between.
Craved and unneeded...
longed for yet forgotten.

I miss the ease of "right now"
and the absence of "what if forever".

This is what I crave tonight.
This is what I need and want.

A place to fall
not together,
not alone.

A place that allows me
the freedom of friendship,
the comfort of a lover.

Just Be My Escape

2011-07-15T22:12:00.001-07:00

Just be my escape
It's all I want
forget all I'm feeling
Forget all that haunts.

I just want to get lost
not think of a thing
Fly far away
On imaginary wings.

Feel only a moment
Not meant to last
No future, no present
not even a past.

Just be my escape
From a dream that got broke
From the end of it all
And the words that were spoke

Just let me get lost
In the touch of your hand
Forget who I am
And my world I can't stand.

I want to look into
Someone else's eyes
Not saying a word
Telling no lies.

Just be my escape
From a mind that is lost
Thoughts that will break me
Feelings that cost

Take me to a new world
That no one can find
No way to fall
Leave gravity behind

Hold me close to your body
Your skin warming mine
Ignore all the rules
Forget all the signs.

Just be my escape
From a moment of me
Take me away
Temporarily

The Moment Before by Oriah Mountain Dreamer - full

2011-07-09T11:05:00.002-07:00

I want to touch
the sharp taste
of the moment in between
the second just before
the place where
the breath catches
in anticipation.

It's the scent of heat held in the air
between two mouths
reaching for each other, hungry.
The shine of moisture on slightly parted lips
just before
it melts into
the wetness of the other.

It is the skin that tingles
waiting
fine hairs at attention
reaching
aching.

It is the places that have not yet been touched
but know they will be.

It is the smooth, quivering paleness
of the inner thigh
as the outer is stroked and kneaded.
The muscles of the abdomen tightening
the back arching slightly
begging
come here
quickly
slowly.

There, in that moment
do not take your eyes from mine.
I am here
awake.

I am
reaching
to be
met.

Do not touch me and keep your soul
out of your fingertips.
Die into me
or do not come into me at all.

Ever after is in this moment
happily or not.

Sacrifice the daydream.
Dare to hold the desire
for a great love.

Be with me.

Harmless Secret

2011-07-06T13:48:00.001-07:00

We’d met with such fury

And now there is none.

Such a strange beginning,

We should have been done.

Suddenly conversing,

When the call meant to end

A harmless secret,

A curse,r a friend?

A pleasant surprise?

A gift from the damned?

Can we really sustain it

Or do we sacrifice the lamb?

I’m trying to remember

How it used to be,

Before I had you

Or you turning to me.

I’m trying to imagine,

The future of our fate

Will our secret be blown

Or maintain its hidden state?

Nothing is wrong here

Just two friends who care.

Yet it easily feels wrong

And unable to be shared.

It isn’t the friendship

But how it came to be

Not meant to be discovered

And yet available to see.

How oddly it went

From his secret to hers

Stolen, unmissed

Found and enjoyed.

Stumble

2011-07-02T22:35:00.001-07:00

You start to stumble,
Tumble, and fall.
I close my eyes tightly,
Hiding from it all.

I want to save you
From the path that you're on,
but I know that I can't
No matter how close our bond.

It's your life to live.
It's your path to take.
You'll do as you please.
Be real and be fake.

I can promise you
I'll be at the end;
I'll be waiting when you're ready,
When you need a friend.

But I can't watch you fall
and I can't watch you lose.
I can't watch you band aid
The hurt you refuse

You'll have to tumble,
All on your own.
Just know I'll be waiting,
When you decide to come home.

All I Need

2011-06-16T22:02:00.001-07:00

Having just come off of five days of staycation with my best friend has been bittersweet. Set aside the fact we were on vacation, I had so much fun just having her physically here to support me. She lives thousands of miles away and although we talk everyday, multiple times and practically incessantly, it is rare to have a chance to communicate without the use of technology.
It was nice to have her next to me everyday for 5 days straight. I loved seeing the smile that goes with the laughter I hear daily. I loved being silly with karaoke and Xbox with her as my companion. It reminded me of all the reasons why "here" is not home for me, why "there" is home for me. We daydreamed about how lovely it would be to live near one another. How her husband would probably hate it. It was nice to wake up to her smiles and "Good Morning Honey bee" in person.
Recounting her visit, it reminds me how blessed I am. Near or far, my friends are the most amazing friends in the world. I don't know how I can have such a great friendship picker and such a bad picker for everything else in my life but I do. My friends are understanding and supportive and inspiring and the driving force behind so much of who I am today. In fact, I'd feel comfortable saying that more of who i am today, this amazing woman I love, has to do with my friends than any other force in my life.
I'd love to shout out to everyone and I think over time that happens eventually as I write so many of these but I think this is a perfect opportunity to shout out to a few very close friends who have been solid ground for me over the last 9 months of pure heartbreak, confusion, growth, and acceptance.
Buttercup - I tell you I love you everyday, several times. I've never meant those words more. You have been a silent partner in every emotion I have felt in the past 9 months. You supported me through the good, the bad, and the ugly. I especially appreciate you assuring me it is not entirely crazy to set up a Fake Facebook to learn all you can about a life you are being blocked from. You gave me the strength to demand respect or demand an escape from an unhealthy situation. You are the first person I would call if I got arrested, and not just because I know you'd bail me out but because I know you'd laugh out whatever I did that landed me there...including driving a bus.
Stupid - Okay, that as a term of endearment is something only you and I understand but you know I love you more than anything. You annoy me and you can actually really be dumb when I come crying to you about my insecurities, But most the time you are great and you always make me laugh. I am so glad you are in my life, and that you were there when I got knocked off my feet and helped me get back up - both literally and figuratively.
Destiny - You inspire me so much which is an amazing feat. I don't need to publicize all the inter-workings of our friendship but I appreciate more than anything that you have been there for me to slap my hands when I need it, to support me when I faced loss and my own immortality, and to share your world with me. I know I can't hide the way I feel for you; anyone who sees me look at you knows it. I love you more than I believe makes sense for the limited time we have known each other. Something about you feels so right that I have to believe we were destined to meet. When I need to be inspired or I need to find joy inside my soul or when I simply need to melt away and be wrapped in a place bigger than me, you are who I call. Thank you for being that person for me.

She'll Live Forever

2011-05-17T14:55:00.001-07:00

I once read that the way life works is that you are born, you live life, you have certain and so many lessons to learn, and then when you have learned everything you are supposed to (or taught everything you were supposed to) you die. It's kind of nice, but then a little shady because you could just stop learning and live forever. Hey, the theory wasn't fully vetted out. But I read it, and must have liked it, as it stuck in me.
Well my daughter is going to live FOREVER! That girl will not learn or retain a lesson to save her life. I have tried everything. I have plastered post-it notes on every surface, I have set her ring tone, I have followed her around whispering in her ear (and mind you, that looks creepy)! I have laid out neon signs, followed by blinking ones, followed by Vegas styles ones, followed by....well you get the point.
I've decided to self deduce what is "wrong" with her. I mean how many times will she cause her own suffering. Here's the thing, we have a pup, and she lives in a kennel, and she has so many childre----errr, wrong story, a little off track....she lives in a kennel and Brianna is supposed to take her out when she gets home. Well a week ago Gracie had an accident. Instead what seemed to me to be the obvious choice, clean up the mess, or the second obvious choice of remove the mess from the house...Brianna gave the dog a bath and left the house to soak up the disgusting scent for another three hours so I could handle when I got home.
Now, I don't mind leaving it, but at least get it out of the house. Do I have to describe a dog's accident after it sat breathing in a hot apartment for 3 to 5 hours? The smell could make atomic bombs. It was so nasty I puked nearly immediately upon entry! I even expressed at that moment...I'll clean it, but for the love of God get it out of the house we eat and sleep in!
So can you imagine my surprise when I walk in to find Gracie had an accident, and my daughter - who was home 3 hours earlier, saw and IGNORED? What is the matter with her brain? I swear heaven must pass out the good stuff early and she was sleeping in...she totally missed common sense.
She does not get this from me...that's not even a line, it's true.

To My Boss and My Peer

2011-05-11T09:49:00.001-07:00

Lately, whether I have expressed it or not,
I’ve felt very much responsible for the process called my job.

But as a caveat…
instead of feeling like a Sheriff…
with authority...
I’ve felt like a Mall Cop…
on a bike…
with a whistle...
and a slingshot as a defense weapon...

It’s difficult position to be responsible for so many things
that are not what you want,
how you envision,
and the only thing you can get everyone to do
is gather in a canoe…
in the desert….
Without a paddle...
Or water...

I know I have been less than positive.
I’ve been overwhelmed
but you two have been awesome
and supportive
and I KNOW it will get better.

I hope I haven’t let you guys down too much.
I want you to know I’m going to try
very, very, very hard
to help make this canoe float….
I’ll pull it with my bike….
In the desert….
sounding my whistle...
without any water...
And use my sling shot as a weapon….
Since I don’t have a paddle...
To hit them in the head with!

Necessity is, after all, the mother of all inventions. :)

Looking Glass

2011-05-11T01:53:00.001-07:00

She looks at you so accusingly
her eyes see everything you hide
you try to smile in response
but she frowns; she heard you lie.

Hours pass and once again
you meet just passing in the hall
you gaze at her and wonder
what happened to it all

Her beauty faded, her life is drained
she's nothing like you remember
She doesn't talk, it does no good
She is just a co-existing ember

No spark, no fire, no catching smile
No laughter filling the air
You wonder if she hurts like you
Does this new life seem fair

One last time before it's bed
You watch her change her clothes
she turns from side to side and back
finding fault from head to toes

As she heads to bed she tries once more
to smile at the woman that she sees
but to no avail she cannot hide
the aching for who she used to be

I Miss You

2011-04-30T10:55:00.001-07:00

It was wonderful to see you
I feel its been too long
I love when I can be there
getting lost inside your song

I feel like there's a gap
a distance growing in between
I can't stand that feeling
when for me, your world's unseen

I miss the way it used to be
in all the yesterdays
When I was someone you would call
just to share your day

I miss the sound of your voice
the excitement I could hear
when you wrote a brand new verse
that you couldn't wait to share.

I miss when I could call or text
and you were never far away
A place where I could crash or fall
when life didn't go my way.

I miss the smiles that we shared
as I walked across the room,
The inside jokes, and stolen glances
making everyone assume.

I miss the things that annoy me too
like how you never let me lie
not even to myself
although I certainly have tried.

I miss the way you challenged me
to be better than myself
and not for you but just for me
you helped put fear upon the shelf

Your friendship used to get me through
the long and difficult days
You'd cheer me up, distract my thoughts
in the most unusual ways

And sometimes when all I needed
was a place to sit and cry
you'd give me that and let me be
until my tears were dry.

Thank you for the times we've shared
the moments that have passed
and know your friendship means a lot
and I hope to God it lasts.

For My Friends....Thank You

2011-04-28T21:21:00.001-07:00

I try to be a great friend and I try to only have the absolute best friends. Everyone in my life is a choice and I try not to have negative influences, try. I am not always successful but I do a pretty good job.
Everytime I think of my friends I smile. I have awesome friends that I know I can reach out to at any time for anything. They have proved their commitment to our friendship many times over, and I can only hope they feel the same in return when they think of me.
When I look at the characteristics of my closest friends the following words come to mind:
Reliable
Understanding
Non-Judgmental
Flexible
Loving
Supportive
Honest
Funny
Encouraging

Those are just off the top of my head. My friends have dropped everything to come be my side, or try to take my mind off of it, as I grieved. My friends have listened to me cry about lost loves, laugh about bad exes, gushed about new potentials, and whined about the everyday same old crap at work. My friends have encouraged me when I have felt like I had nothing good going on, they have pushed me when I was too scared to take a chance and be something more or something different than I was, They have given me courage to make tough decisions, permission to make mistakes, and have assured me my attmepts at parenting are not as big of a failure as I worry they might be. My friends have hugged me, kissed me, told me they loved me, and been my family when I had none. My friends have opened my eyes to the truths I was running from and the lies I have sold myself. My friends have allowed me to be who I am (no matter which "personality" that may be). My friends have given me food to eat, places to live, cars to drive, and shoulders to cry on even at the most inopportune times.
I can honestly say without my friends I would not be who I am today. I can honestly say without my friends I would not be where I am today. And I can honestly say without my friends I would be terrified of my future.
Thank you so much to each and everyone of you for loving me even when the choices I make are not the ones you would choose, for caring about me in the good times and the bad, for being the rocks to keep me safe, and for being you. I am so incredbly blessed because I have you in my life. I know it, and I hope you now do too!
All my love...<3

2011's Mantra

2011-01-01T18:27:00.001-08:00

My last daily mantra was extremely effective. I wrote it on my mirror and it helped me bridge gaps between where I was and what I wanted. I am standing on the cusp of another year of extreme growth. I can feel it. It's beating in my heart, pumping through my blood, and pounding ion my head. I haven't figured out what lessons will be guided to me this year, but I do know it's coming. I do know it'll be the biggest year of growth since 2008. I do know I am excited and scared.
So I decided 2011 needed it's own mantra, a second set of words to inspire me each day, several times a day. Something that will help me push on because unlike the growth I felt last time, this time the lessons will come harder, stronger, and with more fury. It will take a lot to keep me grounded. That is what this mantra will do. Instead of building a bridge over the gap of who I am and who I need to be, this mantra will be used to keep my body and mind floating steady. It will keep me from springing up and from sinking down, as I learn what I need to.
Perfection is Subjective

Perfection is different in everyone's eyes. No matter how beautiful the rose, to just one person will it be perfect. The things that make it perfect will have nothing to do with it's hue of color, the number of its petals, the degree it has been opened, or the length of it's stem. It will have to do with that person's heart, it will have to do with their ideas and perceptions of what perfection looks like and feels like. It will be determined by the feeling that grows in their heart when they are in contact with something, or someone, that they view as perfect. Perfection is also not holistic. What makes perfection isn't always about delivering perfection all the time, once upon a time that rose may have not been a perfect rosebud, but it can still be a perfect rose. It may be perfect for a day or two but eventually it will begin to close, a new life will take over and its perfection will fade. That's all okay. Being perfect for a moment, a moment that will someday fade does not lessen the glory of being perfect in that moment, for just a moment. And to someone else, perhaps a potpourri maker, that rose will once again be perfect, even in its own death.

Control is Limited

We can control only one thing in life, our reactions. Everything else is just an unstoppable force around us. Imagine you are walking down a road. As you walk, the world around you explodes little by little. You can run, you can hide, you can get angry, or scared, but you can not stop the explosions. You can not control the reactions of those near to you. Your control is limited to you alone.

Acceptance Trumps Understanding

Understanding requires control of others, it requires getting answer for others actions, their reactions, their choices. Not just any answers, honest answers. But we know control is limited. So why do we strive so hard to reach understanding? It's an impossible adventure full of subjective truths, unknown lies, and an unstable world around us. If we put our faith and build our lives upon understanding, our worlds will be threatened as new facts arise and our understanding changes. Acceptance trumps understanding. Acceptance requires only you. It requires saying, this happened. I am not okay with it, it isn't the choice I would have made, it may not be what I want but the fact is it happened. There is no changing it. I accept what was, and now I will move forward with the only thing I know. It happened. Why does not matter. Who does not matter? Change is not optional. Acceptance is mine alone. I must build my future on my acceptance. It trumps my understanding. My acceptance will not alter or change with new truths or new lies. Therefore, acceptance is the stability my future depends on.

It's My Garden

My love, my beauty; my garden is all planted and tended by me. It comes from inside my heart. If I love myself, I will have a garden of love. If I respect myself, I will have a garden of respect. Everything starts with me, inside me. I don't need water or sunshine or anything from anyone else to take care of my garden. I have all my needs satisfied inside my heart. I just have to believe that my garden is tended at home by me. Others can visit; enjoy the beauty of my flowers, the intoxicating aroma of love and faith and joy. But they are visitors, and they can not bring anything into my garden, nor take anything when they leave. While they visit they add value because they appreciate and enjoy what I've worked to build. But my garden in protected and safe, because it is my garden and only I can plant in it, only I can take from it. I will garden at home, and share abundantly and without fear. This is my garden.

Enjoy Patience

Patience is about not now; it is not about never. If it was never, it would be never. It is about waiting for the time to be right. Imagine you are walking around on a sunny day. That morning the news said to expect rain, you carry your umbrella, but you don't open it until it rains. That's how patience should work. You can be hopeful or anticipate but you must wait for something to happen before you can react to it, before you can truly determine your course, your needs, and your wants for that moment. Patience is required to enjoy the sunshine, while you are waiting for the rain; enjoying the rain, while you are waiting for a rainbow. Patience is really about being okay in the silence. Open yourself to more than just what your future holds, open yourself to the moment you are enjoying right now. that is all patience really is.

Trust What Feels Right

I know what feels right, and I know what feels wrong. I must trust in these things and I must trust that this feeling of right or wrong is once again subjective. What is right for me may be wrong for someone else. What is wrong for me may be right for someone else. But I have to trust these feelings. I need to base my decisions on what I am telling myself. I never want to hurt anyone else, and I never want to cause harm, but there is a moment of choice between hurting myself and hurting someone else. I must trust myself, I must trust that a decision in which I have put someone else's right above my right will only lead to two hurts and wrongs in the future. I must trust that the wrong choice made over and over will only lead to more wrong choices and greater hurt than the right choice made once. I must trust what feels right. That must be my guide.

Please Hold for my Words

2010-12-28T18:02:00.001-08:00

That's a great line,
that's a sweet saying,
that's a nice story,
a song worth replaying.

Please hold just a minute
while I write the letters,
finding the words,
to say it all better.

So much of my life,
lands here every night.
Helping me breathe
guiding what's right.

I'd be lost without
this outlet to burn
directing my soul,
around each crazy turn.

Thank you for listening,
thank you for hearing,
thank you for reading,
what my heart and soul's baring.

When the words flow
from my mind to my fingers
I suddenly feel lighter,
even though they still linger.

This is my place,
my garden of light,
it's where I spread wings
and jump into flight.

Dissecting Music

2010-12-08T22:54:00.001-08:00

I've been recently blessed with a friend who is also a musician. I love music and so this has been a very interesting experience. He has introduced me to his music, along with many of his talented friends music and lyrics. It's nice to have someone to share this musical addiction with, or should I say it's nice to have someone who KNOWS about music to share this with.

During our many conversations, one of the things he shared with me was how songs are formed. They aren't just one piece of music, with a set of lyrics. It's actually more detailed than that. I won't embarrass myself with the terminology of things because frankly I am certain I will mess it up. But there are different parts. There are of course the lyrics. Then there is the music that the lyrics are set to. However, what seems to be the most important part is the music that is in between the lyrics. That piece seems to define the mood, the genre, and the meaning of the song. He also gave me the blue print for most songs, the order of the verses, the choruses, the pre-choruses, the hooks, etc. Once you know this stuff it completely changes the way you hear, and understand, the music you love so dearly. It has changed nearly every song for me. It's as if I am seeing the world in color for the first time, but instead I am hearing the songs for the first time, in a new way.

I have to listen to a song at least four times to even decide if I like it now. First I listen to the in between only. I learn what the tone of the song is, what feeling it generates inside me. Then I listen to the music that goes with the lyrics. Where does it take me and when, where does the music change, hook me in, let me go and then bring me back? Then I focus on the lyrics, how does this go with what I felt the first two times? Then I listen to it all together. It feels like a Fourth of July Fireworks show, with this last time being the finale. Then I know, if I like it or if I LOVE it. And thanks to my teachings, I know that most the time the reason why I like it, has very little to do with the finished product, and so much to do with the different pieces because each one enhances or detracts from my feelings for the finished product.

Thank You, I Miss You

2010-12-07T08:02:00.001-08:00

It's 3:36 in the morning. I haven't slept. I am crying. I miss you way more than I should, way more than I expected and possibly more than I want to.

I have spent the night stalking your Facebook. I was reading your statuses, old and new, and finding myself even more connected to you than I ever did before. You are so inspiring to me. I am not used to other writers. I am not used to seeing the words of another and observing the age of a soul older than the body. Every word you wrote as you took the journey to who you are today, are all words I wish to remember about you always.

They are words that open my own heart and soul. Open me to the pain, to the risk, to the rewards.

One of the first things I told you the night we met was that I was destined to meet you. That you had a message for me, a message for my own journey through life. Tonight, reading your words in print, messages of your soul not specifically intended for me, I find myself feeling a completeness that I hadn't known was missing.

I feel like I have known you for my whole life. You believe in me, and encourage me, completely unselfishly. You push me gently to follow my dreams, to believe I am truly what you see in me. You see me in a way that I know most others do not. You see me for where I am going, for who I want to be, and for all the potential I have burning behind my eyes. You've made me realize that nothing in my past matters, there is nothing special or profound or amazing from those experiences that are making me who I am today. I am who I am because that is who I want to be.

Through every conversation we have shared I have sat in awe, smiling, full of complete love for you. Each time we have hung up or left one another I have thanked God for our friendship, for leading our paths to cross and giving us the wisdom to listen to our souls encouraging this friendship that we've both been committed to. I am so thankful and I know we have built a foundation that will keep our friendship thriving even as our paths physically split.

But I still miss you.

I feel safe with you, despite my desire to resist it, deny it, run from it. I miss you because I can't just show up on your doorstep and get a hug when my day is crashing into me. I can't just lay on your living room floor listening to music, tears falling as I am lost inside myself. It's not about hanging out or talking or anything, other than knowing for right now there will be only phone calls to keep our friendship alive. A friendship I want and need because somehow you see inside me, you see all the truths I attempt to deny. You help me understand my denials, accept my truths, and share myself with reckless abandon. After all, what's the good of having wings if I refuse to use them to fly?

Curiouser and Curiouser

2010-12-06T19:22:00.001-08:00

Lord knows I am a snoopy little thing. Whenever something peaks my interest I strive to find the time and patience to understand it, to investigate, to get to the bottom of it. Why if I were a cat I would be dead by now with my curious ways. Most the time I am curious about things normal folks would hardly notice.

So to what am I curious today? The secret readers who jump my blog up anywhere from 20-45 hits a day. Who are you? Why won't you follow me? Am I not good enough to publicly admit you like? Perhaps you don't really like me, you just come to tease me with your page hit, or am I like one of those bad train wrecks you can't help to watch? Awww, how I wish you would publicly announce you are stalking my blog, honest I wouldn't mind. I'd even be willing to sign a contract in which I promise not to file for a restraining order...just love me, publicly.

Haha. In all seriousness, I am curious who reads me. Don't be afraid, I am rather nice. Comment away, and feel free to follow me, or share me with your friends (wow I sound kooky!) I really write for you. Me too, but I write publicly because I like to believe somewhere out there I am making a difference, perhaps to a random stranger who stumbled upon my blog by mere accident. Perhaps you were looking for Wizard of Oz memorabilia and ended up here, not quite Oz but maybe close to as fascinating.

Thanks for reading, whomever you are. If you want to, feel free to leave a comment. Let me know what you like. It helps me feel more important than I actually am.

Divine Purpose

2010-11-27T13:10:00.001-08:00

If you know me at all then you know I am a firm believer in divine purpose. Everything happens for a reason. Every misstep, every inconvenience, every new friend, every new job, everything has a purpose, a message, or is part of a plan much bigger than us. Everything. The world around us talks to us incessantly. It talks to us in a language of spirit, love, purpose. We can ignore the messages, we can pretend not to understand them. But when you listen to the world around you, the pull in your heart, the love in your soul, then your life will make sense. Each breath will matter more than the last. You start to accept that you are here on earth to learn lessons, to teach them, and to share them. I feel like my soul is a divine being of heaven. That I am here for some reason. I will never stop believing that God is inside of me, loving me and guiding me. That is the only thing I know for sure in life. I am here for a reason. Things happen for a reason.

Today, running late for an errand I was supposed to do yesterday, I was passed by a motorcycle. He was going very fast. As soon as he passed something felt wrong. Five seconds later, his bike hit the wall; twice. He flew and rolled across the lane in front of me. His bike continued to flip for another 100 feet, literally looking as though it had been snapped in half by a Transformer. My car wasn't even stopped when I threw it into park, 911 was on my phone before I had my seat belt off. I ran to the motorcyclist, laying on the ground. I was absolutely terrified but felt there was a reason I was there. I am very good in a crisis. He laid there for a second, I handed my phone to another bystander to give more information to 911. I asked his name. I gave him mine. He tried to get up. I told him to please stay, to not move, to look me in the eyes. He asked what happened. I told him he was in an accident. He needed to stay down, don't move; the ambulance was on the way. His adrenaline was going full force. He sat up and removed his crushed helmet. His safety suit was ripped to shreds, the fingers of his gloves were exposed and bleeding. He tried to stand up. He was unsteady but could stand. He wanted his missing shoe; he called his family. He asked me over and over what happened. The ambulance showed up and he did not want to go with them to the hospital. We explained he would be unable to feel the damage through the adrenaline and he should go. I asked if he wanted me to follow him to the hospital; he said let's go.

I waited behind the ambulance as they readied for the transport. The officer came over took my statement. I told him I was going to follow the ambulance to the hospital. He asked if I knew him. No, I just needed to go. He didn't remember the accident and I wanted to make sure he and his family had whatever they needed. The officer smiled, "You are just doing this as a good person?" Yes. Is this really an extraordinary thing? Shouldn't we all care enough about others? Besides, what was so important in my life that was more important than the fact that had it not been for all his safety gear I would have approached a dead body that day; witnessed the death of an unknown somebody who is important in this world. Important enough to be able to walk away from what I can only describe as the most terrifying scene I had ever witnessed first hand. And you should know I have witnessed a lot.

I followed the ambulance the ten miles to the hospital. I have to admit this part was pretty fun. Permission to go 80, run red lights, ambulance chase. After we arrived at the hospital, I told the staff that I knew I couldn't see him or get information but that I would be waiting for his family in the waiting room. First to arrive was his mother. We immediately embraced. With tears in her eyes I described the scene, the injuries, and assured her he was coherent. He knew his name and was able to focus with his eyes, I was sure he would be okay. She saw the blood on my sweater. She asked if I was OK. Yes. That was his blood. She held my hand and described that two weeks ago, in the very same spot, his friend had crashed on a motorcycle and died. I could see the fear in her eyes, the worry, the relief. The thought that we could have been sharing a very different moment in that hospital waiting room.

His sister in law and niece appeared next. Followed by his father. Then his brother and another sister in law. Then the girlfriend of his friend who had died and her mother. Each time I recounted the story. Each time I assured them that he was lucky; blessed. That his attention to safety saved his life. They all hugged me, embraced me as if they'd known me for years. His mother called me an angel. His father his savior as he took my picture to show him "who saved his life." I did nothing of the sort. I was simply there for a man who needed me, even if he didn't know me. There for a family that I had known in my soul for years, but in reality only a few minutes.

Finally, the doctors came to escort the family back there to see him. His parents and brother went first. Then his mother and father came to the waiting room. They insisted I go to see him. The first thing I said when I saw him was that the hospital is smart, they strapped him down! I told him he was stubborn. He said he didn't remember anything. He asked me again what happened. I told him. He remembered nothing of the accident, nothing of the aftermath. He apologized to me for having to see that crash. He thanked me. He saw the blood on my shirt. I laughed and said it was his. He told me to bill him.

They were getting ready to clean the road rash. He luckily only suffered that and a concussion. Amazing. Heaven was with him on that bike, there is no doubt in my mind. I kissed his forehead. He asked me to leave my information with his family, which I did. On my way out, I hugged the family I just met. People I know I was supposed to meet. With that I left. Thankful to be where I was in that exact moment; a place that had the last 24 hours gone as "planned" I would not have been.

There was nothing special about what I had done, but there is an extraordinary love that blooms inside my soul. A seed planted in Heaven, grown out of the love I find in the darkest of hours, the joy I find in the inconveniences, and the lessons I find as I am stirred by the silent words that surround me. If I can do good, make an impact in anyone's life for even a second, then I am living my life with a divine purpose.

Having the faith to follow my heart's calling is the greatest gift God has ever given me.

Another Year of Thanks

2010-11-21T14:12:00.002-08:00

Sober Fun

2010-11-13T22:50:00.004-08:00

What a wonderful night! Tonight I went to watch a friend of mine, a musician, sing at a bar and afterwards played tag along with him and a friend of his. The night was one of those epic teen movie ones, where you go out all night for random fun and go sneaking into your house at 4:30 am. The best part though, it was completely sober, completely innocent, and probably more fun out than I had ever had, or at least had in a long time.
It actually reminded me of the night in High School where all of Student Council (yes, I was on Student Council) went out to the park and went ice blocking until curfew. Ice blocking is Arizona kids way of sledding. You sit on a giant block of ice and slide down a hill. Moving on...
So we went out and first went to the Hookah Bar to smoke some Hookah, which I had never done. I don't smoke at all, so this was an experience. The lights where dim as we inhaled combinations of blueberry and cactus flower. We sat there talking and laughing. Relaxed on fluffy pillows and comfy couches. I felt like a Genie in a Bottle or inside the setting of the Beatles video for Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, vibrant colors and odd looking people surrounding us. But all of it was completely legit, even the smoke filled bubbles. We were there for a good hour and a half if not more.
Then, none of us ready for the night to end, we went on search for food. We ended up among the drunks at a Denny's. Where the sobriety and the talking continued. Only I didn't really talk, more like listened to the two old friends talk about good times, old times, and fun times. I laughed at stories of people I never knew and will likely never meet. I sat in awe of two fascinating men who have seen their share of the world. I felt like a patron to their two man show, one I would have gladly paid for.
Approaching 4 am, we decided to call it a night...or at least return to our own homes. On my way I started thinking about how much fun I had. How proud I was to have stayed out all night, enjoyed immensely the conversations happening with the knowledge I'd remember each detail, and I do.
I don't drink a lot, but this night is my power night. It's the night that I remember when I think I might want to drink to have fun, because I had the most fun on this night, than I probably did any night of drinking. At least as far as I can remember!

His Music, His Lyrics, My Destiny

2010-11-09T13:57:00.001-08:00

This is a tribute to a new friend of mine. Check him out at aaronhowardmusic.com He is amazing and I am so happy to have met him!

Recently I was at the neighborhood pub, Down Under Wines. I have never really been a wine drinker, although my most recent ex certainly tried to introduce me to the mysterious world of red, white, and blush. But this bar is walking distance from my house, and since I do not believe in drinking and driving (not that I didn't do it in my stupid youth), this bar is the perfect place to gather. Not only that, the staff and owners are amazing...and of course the clientele, not that I am biased being included in that category.
Anyway, a few weeks ago I was there and a musician by the name of Aaron Howard was performing. I listened loosely as he belted out familiar cover songs with perfection. He even sang some I had never heard of but did so beautifully that I took note of the name and original artist on my phone so later I could download them. My usual scene here is socializing, so I was talking to regulars, talking to my "friends" working behind the bar, with Aaron only capturing a glimmer of my attention, until he started to sing one of his songs. His lyrics, and music entranced me. The song was All I've Ever Known. I can't even express specifically what lyrics pulled me to stop all my distractions and just listen. Something about the overall lyrics and music just pulled me to a front row seat. I sat down, I picked up his CD on the table and I just listened to him. Before I knew it, the rest of the bar disappeared and I was lost in a message that felt directed at me alone. When the song was over, I awoke from my semi conscious coma, and returned to my spot at the bar. As social as I am, I sat there wanting to talk to him, to find the meaning of his words...where did they come from and what about them was so familiar a message that it pulled me out of my chair and into his world alone. But the idea of approaching a stranger...no, the idea of approaching a musician, terrified me. Would he think I was some lunatic, or a groupie, or a woman who wanted to seduce him? I was none of these things. I was simply a woman with a wounded heart and soul looking for answers and something in his music and lyrics spoke to me.
I toyed with talking to him, but fear stopped me each time I thought I had enough courage to move from my seat unprompted by his music. I was terrified of the embarrassment I would feel. Besides, who was I to interrupt his break with my beliefs in fate guiding us there because I, 6 years older than him, needed to learn something from him. It sounds wacky even to me and I believed it at the time! I still believe it.
Finally, after talking myself in and out of doing it I decided to follow what my gut, my inner destiny, was guiding me to do. I was going to find out what message I was entitled to hear from this stranger who was simply a catalyst in my journey.
I approached him and asked if I could crash his party just to talk to him. He graciously allowed me the opportunity. He was the most normal and down to earth man I had probably ever met. The passion for his dream and life that flowed beneath his skin, shone through his eyes. As my friends, and his friends intermingled amongst the music he played for us, I became more sure that meeting him was bound to be one of those pivotal moments in my life. A chance crossing of a bridge that would stir some sort of growth inside me.
In between sets, I tried to convince him that destiny or fate brought us both there on that night for the purpose of sharing enough of ourselves to learn something we wouldn't have ever known without the other. He probably thought I was nuts. I am not sure if it was his adventurous nature or his tolerance for the insane but he agreed to humor me.
He gave me one of his CD's (which I still owe him for) but for some unknown reason, perhaps a form of fate, the CD wouldn't play. So we met up a day or two later to exchange it and grab lunch. We talked for two hours and I am not sure what he learned from me, but I learned nothing other than that I was more sure than ever he was meant to be in my life. After lunch, he replaced the copy of More than Maybe, and gave me his last CD The Answer. Both sat idle for a day or two.
Then on a night I felt entirely overwhelmed and unsure of so much I was facing, I put The Answer in my player. Everything spoke to me in that moment, suddenly everything that never made sense, somehow did. His music and lyrics flowed into me. It was amazing. Song after song I felt things start to make sense. I giggled to myself at the irony that the CD of his that answered my questions was titled The Answer.
I craved more.
I put More than Maybe in next and I followed a familiar journey into the world of chance, love, heartache, believing. It was a magical experience that played beautifully along with the the memories of my own loves, found and lost.
I was touched so deeply that I found myself crying through my smiles and laughing through my tears. I felt blessed and thankful and so certain,again, that he was somehow meant to be in my life.
A few days later when I found out I lost my job, Aaron called me. We talked and he read me his most recent blog, and without any intent it brought a peace to the fears I had about finding a new job and venturing on a strange and scary journey, likely to another state.
I will always be convinced that Aaron and I were destined to meet because he has fast become a friend I would do anything for and I never want to live without. Aaron does not believe in destiny, but he is still an alright guy. And whether he believes or not, I know having met him was part of my destiny!

My Friends

2010-11-04T00:51:00.001-07:00

I have the most wonderful friends. I can't count all the times in which the love, support, laughter, and hugs of those closest to me have gotten me through an inconvenience in my life. I have been incredibly fortunate to have met so many of you, been blessed to be your shoulder to cry on and, at many times, you to have been the shoulder I needed. Many of you have listened to the same vent more than once. The same nauseating declaration of love or faith over and over. And yes, almost all of you have followed me on a spontaneous night of tattoos, social Sharra, or goofiness preventing us from running for office...some nights all three!

I love the friends I have. I love knowing that no matter what curve ball life throws me, no matter what time of day, no matter where life take me, or you, that I can call, text, email, or just plain show up on your doorstep. My friends are my family. Blood is thicker than water, but spirit is thicker than blood. Each of you share a spirit with me that energizes my soul and fills my heart.

You let me be me, no matter how goofy, emotional, silly, temperamental, dramatic, or happy I choose to be. I am so blessed to have friends who accept me, and all my bad choices, but loves me anyway. Thank you for being in my life.

To My Father

2010-11-04T00:23:00.001-07:00

Sitting here tonight and reflecting on my life, I find my thoughts turning to you. I haven't always been fair, and I haven't always been kind, or forgiving, or even grateful towards you. But tonight, more than anything I am finding myself reflecting on many things you did for me, things that made me so much of the person I am today. You have influenced my life far more positively than negatively. I want to make sure you know that.

When I was a very little girl, and I would visit you when you and mom were separated. I would knock on the camper door and I would come in and I would sit on your lap and you would read to me or tell me a story. I felt so safe, I never wanted to leave that place.

When I was five and I had nightmare of my foot being cut off you were there to comfort me and assure me it was just a terrible dream.

When I was so uncertain of my ability to ride my bike with no training wheels, you made sure I had magic balance pegs so I wouldn't fall...even though I did. :)

When I wanted to go on the scariest roller coasters like the Edge, The Grizzly Bear, and the Demon, 25 times in a row...you went every time.

When I fell on the glass and I needed to go get stitches, you took me.

When I no longer wanted to go to church because I believed God was in my heart and all around me and I could talk to him directly, because I am that special, you supported me.

When a certain bad guy hurt me you threatened to break his legs with a baseball bat, and as much as I wanted you to, I am also glad you didn't.

When I wanted to bring Bobby home because he had no place to live, you made it happen so I didn't have to worry about the boy I loved.

When I wanted to buy clothes from the mall because that was what the cool kids did you worked extra, scraped a lot of money for me to buy 3 pairs of pants and four shirts, that really weren't that cool.

When everyone else forgot my birthday, you brought me home a beautiful carousel horse. It was one of the best gifts I ever got.

When I got myself into trouble and needed someone to pick me up at an obscene hour, you were there. Not once did you question why I was only wearing boxers and a shirt, neither of which were mine.

When I needed to hear that you were sorry, you told me, in a wonderful poem that I cherish, although you should know you are harder on yourself than you should be.

You taught me how to help others, even when I myself need help.
You taught me that having just enough, was more than enough.
You taught me how to treat children like people. I am sure my kids thank you for that as well.
You taught me how not to be afraid of the unknown, because you were always positive it was better than where we were, and it was.
You taught me how to laugh at life's mountains.
You taught me how to fish, and I taught my kids.
You taught me to be a good parent, you have to remember to play like a kid. Thank you for many hours of Nintendo.
You taught me to accept people for who they are, their merits, and to be forgiving of their differences from my own.
You taught me how to fight, even though the only person I ever punched was my sister with your teachings was my sister.
You taught me that nothing is worth turning my back on who I am.
You taught me the importance of good friends.

I am sure there are so many more memories, so many more things I learned, so many reasons why I love you and why even if you didn't do everything perfectly, you did love me perfectly. That I never doubted. I love you.

Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-09T16:41:00.002-07:00

I am so incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to be a mother to two wonderful children. Whenever I doubt my reasons for being here on this earth, I just look at my children and I know the reason is simple, them.

Children are like steroids for the human soul but without all the horrible side effects. They help you be better and stronger than you ever thought possible. So much of who I am today was born with them, created for them. My patience, understanding, commitment, love, faith, hope, strength, acceptance, happiness, persistence, and courage are all characteristics I owe to them.

To my daughter,
Thank you for showing me that it's never too late. Thank you for forgiving me for my poor choices, and helping me try hard to never make another bad one. Thank you for trusting me, for believing in me and above all else, for never leaving me. You are the sweetest, most caring daughter ever. I am so incredibly blessed.

To my son,
Thank you for teaching me that love is stronger than all other things. I look at you and I know that even the impossible, is possible. I love experiencing life as your mother because you want me as much as you need me. You help me find the simple things in life and remember that they are also the richest things in life. I am so incredibly blessed.

Happy Mother's Day, to all my friends and relatives who are Mothers or have/had great Mothers. All of you inspire me. I am so grateful to have you in my life, you are incredible role models to your children and to all those who know you, especially me.

To my own Mother,
Thank you for teaching me the opposite game, and helping us clean our room after the earthquake.
Thank you for my surprise birthday party when I was 6.
Thank you for not being mad when I almost got hit by a car, even if it did cause you to go into labor.
Thank you for putting highlights in my hair when most people thought I was too young, I probably was but it was just hair.
Thank you for letting me get my ears pierced....twice, even though I don't even wear earrings today.
Thank you for teaching me how to balance a bank book when I was eight.
Thank you for teaching me how hurtful words can be when I said something not so nice.
Thank you for teaching me that hate is not a good word.
Thank you for teaching me that sometimes when you hold your ground the other person caves (haha, I told you I wasn't going to eat those eggs with ketchup on them!).
Thank you for giving me space when I needed it.
Thank you for making all my Halloween costumes, the can of coke was probably the best.
Thank you for not giving up on having a relationship with me...I promise, I'm getting there.
Thank you for painting Summer Dayze on my door and believing I could have anything I set my mind out to have.
Thank you for always thinking I was beautiful.
Thank you for being proud of me.
Thank you for giving me credit for who I am and how far I have come.
Thank you for letting me help you make and load sandwiches for the firefighters, it taught me how to give back to my community even if I couldn't "join the fight".
Thank you for letting me have as many pets as I wanted, even if they didn't always last.
Thank you for not being mad that I sucked at the clarinet.
Thank you for picnics at flickinger park, and late night swims at johns pond.
Thank you for letting me be your remodeling partner, the kitchen didn't really need all those cabinets.
Thank you for being there at the hospital when i was six, and not being mad that I broke the bed giving Grandpa Perry rides on the foot of it.
Thank you for letting me spend the summer in Virginia and in California, and never trying to stop my thirst for travel.
Thank you for making sure Santa found me for Christmas in Tennessee.
Thank you for bringing me hot chocolate when I was too busy sledding to come inside to warm up.
Thank you for teaching me how to ice skate, even if it was on stupid boy hockey skates. Thank you also for my pair of real girl ice skates, although I think I liked the stupid boy hockey skates better!
Thank you for loving when I sing. Thank you for singing me lullaby's. Thank you for not being mad when I stayed up late singing them to Jake when I was five.
Thank you for for sharing your peanut butter toast with me when I was four, and letting me dip it in your coffee.
Thank you for teaching me the art of practical joke payback (Sorry Grandma Perry, you started it and deserved it! LOL).
Thank you for doing my hair for the only high school dance I went to.
Thank you for letting me help you coach Alex's tee ball team when I was 12.
Thank you for always making dinner, even if it was simply American Chop Suey.
Thank you for always trying to make Christmas special and never letting your finances change Santa's.
Thank you for letting me and my friends play in the mud puddle left behind after the apple tree was pulled out.
Thank you for making my dresses and clothes when I was little, they were awesome.
Thank you for always making an effort to genuinely care as much about my friends/boyfriends as I did.
Thank you for giving me Grandma's diamond ring early, when I emotionally needed it the most.
Thank you for helping me provide Christmas to the kids the first year I was by myself, I couldn't have done it without you. Thank you for taking them to get me presents too, it didn't matter to me if I had them, but you were right, it did matter to them.
Thank you for teaching me how to make an apple pie from scratch, even after I burned the box of brownies so bad that dad had to saw them out of the pan (literally).
Thank you for making me a beautiful canopy over my bed, just like I said I wanted.
Thank you for letting me drive your car, and never have to put gas in it (PS, you should know I once let my friend drive it, he didn't have a license. Sorry. LOL).
Thank you not being mad that we all got in that grass fight and came home covered in freshly mowed grass.
Thank you for letting me hang out in the kitchen at San Jose Day nursery when I missed you.
Thank you for teaching me sign language when I was little, it's a skill everyone should have.
You may have not done everything right, but the things you did right, you did very right. Thank you. I love you.

Go To Work...What's That?

2010-01-09T20:18:00.002-08:00

I must say I am extremely fortunate that I have a job that enables me to work from home. I do have an office and more times than not, I do venture to it. However, throughout the holiday season, physically making my way there seemed less and less convenient. With meetings and trips to the post office, and kids home from school and the lovely flu season, I found myself spending a lot of time working from home. Typically, for my four year-old, this means staying home from daycare and coloring pictures while mommy does her work.

So last night as I am explaining to my children that it is a school night and baths need to take place, my son says, "Mommy, I do not want to go to school tomorrow." I explain to him that he must go to school because I have to go to work, and he can not stay home alone. Very matter of a fact he replies, "No you don't. You can just work from home." When I try to explain that I do actually have an office, he politely explains that I don't actually have to go to it. Smart kid.

We went back and forth before I finally said firmly, no. So then he told me he wanted to go to his dad's house instead of school, since dad can also work from home. LOL It occurs to me that my young son will likely have an eye opening experience when he gets his first job and they explain that he actually will need to go to work. With two parents who both can and frequently do work from home, it is likely that he will think that is the norm and not the exception. ;o)

Happy 2010

2009-12-31T22:04:00.002-08:00

Wow, 2009 is finally over. Odd saying that since it seemed to have flown by me. It has been a year of growth for certain, a year of thanks and blessings, a year of sadness and confusion as well. It;s amazing how just 12 small months can really impact you so dramatically. I think about where I was this time last year. I had just moved out on my own for the first time ever. I was barely making the ends meet. I wasn't sure where life was headed. Dreams I had were buried, new lessons still needed to be learned. I was still that scared little girl who was unsure that life was ever going to be enjoyable beyond fleeting moments.
I look at how much I accomplished in the past year.
I finally learned that the Warden will never be satisfied, and will never let go of his anger.
I learned that breaking up is hard to do, but a necessity, after all if you won't stand up for you, who will.
I learned that things are gonna scare you but you will get a lot further on faith than you ever will on fear.
I learned that even when you think all your dreams and desires are lost, you can still be surprised.
I learned that words are easy, putting them into action harder...but more meaningful.
I learned that if you let yourself appreciate the world around you, life will be everything you hoped for.
I learned you can always change who you thought you were.
I learned the power of acceptance.
I learned that friendship is silly cliches, virtual hugs, a phone call from the tub, supporting the "impossible", keeping confidences and being able to share. It is also filled with love.
I learned that loving and being loved is the only way to navigate life.

To my friends...
Everyone is so very special to me, so many have stood behind me and supported me through loves lost and gained, through pain and remorse, through excitement and hope. You don't all always tell me what you think I want to hear, but you all love me, that is apparent. I have been so incredibly blessed with great friends. Here's to you all! And here is to those that made 2009 especially blessed.
Mike - Honey, you are more than just my boyfriend/partner and dream come true, you are my best friend. You are my first stop every time. When it's good, when it's bad, when I am happy and when I am sad, you are who I wish to share those moments first. I will always need other friends for varying reasons, but you are definitely my "first" friend. You have been so incredibly supportive and caring. You have felt every bit of sadness, or anger, or frustration or happiness or excitement that I have. I couldn't have imagined I would find friendship and love as deep as I have with one person. I couldn't have dreamed up our life together any better. Thank you for being such a complete blessing and surprise to me this year. I never would have guessed we would be here. Thank you for choosing to be with me everyday. Thank you for your understanding, forgiveness and faith. Thank you for trusting me and thank you for keeping me safe.
Roxanne - I can't say it enough, you are such a surprise. We became such good friends this year and honestly I don't even remember when we became "Friends" or ever the time I didn't have you there to laugh with me, to cry for me, to care for and support me. How lucky am I? You have been an amazing friend, understanding and supportive, encouraging and have offered me your share of hopes and wishes. Thank you for saying the things I want to say and can't. Thank you for have faith when I need it most and holding my hand until I found it again. Thank you for gagging at my statuses and for googling, "how to make your friends heart not hurt, 100 cliches" I need that. i needed you. Thank you for being there for me.
Keith - Every time since we became BFF's you have made my friends blog. Every time. Why? Because you truly are a great friend. You have been there for me, talking me through the saddest hours and teasing me through the happiest. You have shared your, "it's gonna be OK" , "It's not over til it's over", "Someone needs a beat down (and I am available)", and "You deserve only the best, and you are great" speeches, repeatedly (and some more than others)! Those are all the things I need to hear. I know you don't say them because you want something or need something from me, that is what makes them special. You tell me what I need to hear because I need it, and for no other reason. You forgive me for not answering your calls, for hanging up on you and for me turn around time (or lack thereof). You genuinely want me to be happy, what a blessing to have in a friend.
Ted - If it weren't for you I never would have realized how nice it is to climb a mountain in August, in Arizona. LOL You really pushed me beyond what I ever dreamed I was capable of. I miss working out with you so much, mainly because you made it so super fun. It was great laughing the whole time, and sharing the excitement of the results with someone who knew how hard I had worked. Although I haven't maintained the same level I did when we were working out, my passion and love for it hasn't changed. i never thought I would like working out outside, but you showed me how easy it was to workout when you were enjoying the world around you. The company helped to.
Princess - Boy have we had our share of leaning up on one another this year. I know that you understand me, you make it okay for me to say the things I don't want to say. I appreciate that. You have been there for the beginning of my dreams come true. You gave me a house to come home to, and made me part of the family. I love our friendship. I love that we are totally there for each other no matter what. Thank you for being my chosen sister. I'm so very lucky.

And finally as I move into 2010, I pray to God and All of Heaven to help me find strength to push on. Help me to reach my goals with success. Help me to have the dream I know I deserve. Please help me to never lose faith and never give up. Please stay by my side, carry me when I need to be carried, hold me when I need to be held, and whisper to me it's going to be okay when I feel the darkness close around me.

Happy Thanksgiving! (2009)

2009-11-25T18:50:00.002-08:00

Well true to form I am here writing my Thanksgiving blog. There is so much in this world to be thankful for and it is so easy to lose sight of that when the good is blended with daily inconveniences. But as always, I will find a way to set aside those annoyances and find thanks in this wonderful life I have been given. This year has been full of new challenges, new rewards, new life. I am thankful for that. I love all my friends dearly, but as always, let me take a moment to express my gratitude to some.

MD - You get to be first. Natural order I suppose. Thank you for taking a chance on us. There are a hundred reasons why you should not be mine, why I don't deserve what you have to offer but I appreciate more than anything you taking a chance and exploring whatever is between us. We made amazing friends and so many positive changes in my life I owe to you, you have always believed I was better than my mistakes, you have been forgiving and understanding. I happen to like us better as we are today, more than friends, exploring life together. Everyday you impress me, everyday you surprise me and everyday I trust and want more from life than I ever imagined was possible for me. Thank you for being here, for sharing with me and Thank you for all the things you do. I am enjoying every minute of this. You fill my soul with emotions and faith and hope and possibilities that I never knew existed nor did I ever think I would experience. I am so blessed and every second I seem to love you more. 45 years, or forever...whichever is longer. ;o)

KW (my Bff) - You are so good to me and most definitely one of my best friends. You have proven your friendship over and over again. You are there to talk me down from a ledge and there isn't anything I am afraid to tell you. I don't know who I would be if it weren't for you but I know I would be different from who I am not, and not nearly as likable. You have encouraged me to care for me and love me. I could not ask for more from a bff. You help me sort out the chaos in my head. Sometimes you are nice and sometimes I hate you (temporarily, of course) but in the end I love you and appreciate you more than anything. Thank you for believing in me and never giving up on me or what I deserve. (Even when you are a little girlie about it, you still rock.)

Rox - Wow. I love you but never did I think we would become as close as we have. I am so thankful we did because you are an awesome woman and a great friend. I am so blessed to have you. You make me laugh when I feel sadness or anger. You go with me, where ever I take you. I love that. I could be like...hey Rox let's just jump in a cab and head to where ever and you'd be behind me saying...sure why not. I love that. I love bringing things out in you and I love what you bring out in me. You are fun and funny and caring and wonderful. Like the best of friends you are supportive and wonderful and always there fore me. Plus you make me laugh...life doesn't get much better than that! I am so happy to have you and this year you have been an absolute blessing. I love our daily phone calls, and I love knowing I can vent to you about anything. Your sense of humor rocks too! ;o) LOL...Sharra silly.

Alexis Davenport (or shall I say Bianca) Really I don't know how we became friends, nor do I really ever question it. You kill me. I laugh harder and I enjoy the world better when I am with you. We are quite funny if you ask me and aside from that you are really cool, even when you make fun of me! You are supportive and you care about me, that's all I need, isn't it? I appreciate your love and support even when I am gushing about MD and you have to pull out your vomit bag, I love him, I know you get that more than anyone and I couldn't love you more as a result.

Princess Maureen - I love you sis. You are such a blessing in my life. I know you understand me probably better than anyone. Thank you for your understanding and your patience and your support. Thanks for taking me in and opening your family to me. I know the right prince will come along for you, for now...never forget you are a princess. You deserve only the best and I will be there for you for every frog, just like you were for me. xoxo I love you.

Stupid - You know I love you so much. You have been the best friend a girl could ask for. I have so much fun with you and I appreciate it so much. You are there for me and I know I can count on you no matter how much distance seems to fill the void between us. I appreciate your motivation, your support but mostly your laughter. You are a nut. You help push me and I love that, you enjoy life and that inspires me, and you can fly over Phoenix, really...what else is there? LOL You are the greatest. Thanks for everything and you're welcome for everything too. ;o)

I love all my friends and family, and I wish every one the happiest of all Thanksgiving. Be thankful, remember you are blessed and may happiness surround everyone. ;o)

My Daily Mantra

2009-10-18T23:49:00.002-07:00

I believe it is important to consciously remind ourselves every day about the way we want to live our lives. A daily mantra is the perfect way to do that. If you start and end your day by reciting your mantra, it will be fresh in your memory as you navigate the chaos of everyday life.
My mantra is scribed on my bathroom mirror with a dry erase marker and a smiley face. Every time I walk in my bathroom, I read it. Every time I read it, I smile. Every time I see myself smile, I have reinforcement that I am living my life according to my daily mantra; that I am a strong, confident and beautiful woman. What a wonderful feeling.
Everyone’s mantra will vary and be a reflection of your own values and reflections. Here is mine, “Live with Intention. Kiss your kids. Love your man. Have faith in your God. Find joy in your life. Be True to Yourself” Let me take a moment to share with you what my mantra means.
Live with Intention
Living with intention is about thinking. It’s taking the time to think about the actions and reactions I have in life, the choices I make. It’s considering how what I do will influence my life, influence the way people view me, influence the way I view myself, and influence the people around me that I care for. At the end of every day I have to look in that mirror and I have to know, for my own well-being, that everything I did during the day was done with complete thoughtfulness. Living with intention is considering the outcome of every choice I make, and being happy with that outcome.
Kiss your Kids
I have two great kids who leave their shoes, clothes, backpacks, toys and other such messes scattered throughout my house every single day. I have two great kids who sometimes get moody, sometimes forget ears were designed for listening and sometimes push the button connected to my last nerve. But they are great kids and they are entitled to be moody sometimes – they get that from me. When I am moody, they love me. That is when they snuggle up and kiss me. My kids have taught me that these little moments of expressing love, without words, are one of the greatest gifts you can share with another person. By kissing my kids every day, I make the choice to show them that they are loved every day, no matter what.
Love your Man
I love my man; I have the kind of love for him that you feel when you hold your baby in your arms for the first time. I liken our love to a baby; it must be nurtured every day. Every day I remind him, and myself, how lucky I am to have him. Every day I tell him I love him, not just when I leave the house, not just when we are settling down for bed but randomly throughout the day I take a moment to call or text or email him to say I love him, to say I need him, to remind him he is wanted and adored. Sometimes I show him by picking up something he needs or might want from the store or I do one of his chores around the house. Loving him everyday makes me feel good inside, it fills me with even more love for him because I am not just nurturing our love I am reminding myself every day how special our love is. The best part is, he sees how wonderful our love is too and he makes his own plans to love me every day as a result.
Have Faith in your God
Everyone believes something different, some people don’t believe in a God but they believe in other things like karma or destiny or a higher power. Whatever you believe, just have faith every day. Have faith that the roads you are on are leading somewhere, that there is a purpose for every heartache, every frustration, every decision laid before you. I have faith in my God every day. I know that He leads me down dark roads to teach me not to be afraid, He leads me through heartache so I can appreciate the one who is mine forever. He leads me through the frustration of waiting so I can learn patience; He gave me children to teach me tolerance. I have faith in my God that everything I have been given and everything I have lost has a meaning and is part of the plan for my life. Having faith allows me to accept and embrace the lessons we are given every day by the world around us and keeps me intrigued at what is around the next corner.
Find Joy in your Life
Sometimes we are so busy focusing on the corrupt colleague, the horrendous traffic, the screaming kids, the pile of bills and the mess around the house that we forget to find the joy in our lives. Life is no fun when all you see are the rain clouds; you have to search for the rainbows. Every day there is joy to be had in life. If you are lying in bed at night and you think there wasn’t one good thing about the day then you aren’t living your life, you are killing your life. There is joy everywhere. There is joy in a sunny day, joy in breathing, and joy in a smile from a stranger. There is joy in helping others; there is joy in having a few extra minutes to think when you sit in traffic. When you look for joy, you will find it. When you find joy it will help push you through those less than perfect moments in life. Joy in life helps you do more than just be in your life each day, it helps you to live your life each day and to appreciate the life you have been given.
Be True to Yourself
Sometimes we forget that we have to look in the mirror at the end of the day, and sometimes we forget that the decisions we make today may haunt our future if they are wrong. Sometimes we allow other people to influence us, to convince us or to encourage us to do things that we know we are not proud of. Being true to yourself is about remembering that those people who encourage us to do wrong, do not have to live with our choices. Those choices we make become embedded in who we are and even if we change those things, they will sit in our closet of skeltons and someday we will have to confront that closet publically. When that day comes, it hurts. It is important that we make choices with purpose. It is important that we remember a few minutes of gratification today, could mean a lifetime of regret. Think about who you are, think about who you can be proud of and be that person, no matter what. When someone tries to encourage you to do wrong, deny them. Have respect for your self, have faith in the person you want to be, be true to yourself. At the end of the day, you are the only one responsible for you.
What’s your mantra going to be?

Xavier Stories!

2009-09-15T23:11:00.002-07:00

So my son is going to give me tons of stories for my new book, "Mommy's Little Angel". He is such a goof and if it wasn't for the fact that the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree, I am uncertain I would be able to adore his antics so much!
Three stories for your enjoyment!

Story Number One - Holding Hands
I decided to pick Xavier up, post work out, so we ended up walking the quarter mile home. Since it was along a busy street I made Xavier hold my hand, which he was doing so very nicely. I looked at him and I said, "Xavier, I love when you hold my hand." And my adorable, sweet and loving child looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Mommey, I actually do NOT love when you hold my hand!" Gee...Thanks.

Story Number Two - The Best
The Warden (aka, Xavier's dad) and I took him to a specialist so we happened to both be present, a rarity in Xavier's life. As we were waiting for our name to be called Xaiver looked at me and loudly said, "Mommy, you are the BEST!" I smiled and said, "Thank you Bud, you are the best too!" He then looked at his dad and smiled real big and said, "Daddy, you are so NOT the best!" LMAO...I did politely tell Xavier that wasn't very nice thing to say but you know inside, not even deep down, I thought, "he's right!" LOL

Story Number Three - I Want McDonald's
So yesterday I picked Xavier up from school, after an already rough day. As I was buckling him in he said, "Mommy, I want to go to McDonald's" and I said,"Sorry bud, I don't have money for McDonalds" he pouted a little as we drove to the grocery store. As I pulled in he said, "I don't want to go to this store" and I explained we needed to as we needed milk and bread.
After I unbuckled him he folded his arms across his chest. I looked at him and asked what he was doing. He responded with, "I told you I wanted to go to McDonald's" so I explained, "Yes and I told you I didn't have money for McDonald's"
Still not budging my clever four-year old said, "But you have money for milk?"

Awww...kids!

Blessed

2009-09-13T18:25:00.002-07:00

It's been awhile since I proclaimed how blessed I am. The answer is very. I love my life. I love being me. I love my friends. I am so blessed. Life isn't always easy, in fact it rarely is. But when I am sad and alone, when I feel like finding hope is like winning the lottery, I remind myself that I have so much in my life to enjoy.
I have the best friends ever and everytime I think we have exhausted our friendship, we ignite a new candle. I know my friends will always be there for me. Sometimes we don't agree, but we know that is okay. We respect and love each other. We are not judgemental and do not hold grudges, we give each other freedom and that allows our friendship to bloom like wild flowers.
I have great kids. Sure, they try my patience and make me weary at times, but they also make me laugh...a lot. They are smart and sweet (most the time) and they love me, very much. They love each other. They are great kids.
I have a great job, that I love. Sometimes the peopel get on my nerves, but at the end of the day I love my job. I love what I do. I love the people I work with. I love when I am appreciated and needed at work. I love that people know they can come to me, that I know the answer or at least how to get it. I feel smarter at work than anywhere else.
I love me. I really do. I love what I see in the mirror. I love that I am someone I can be proud of. I am kind and I strive to the best I can, to do the right things, even when it is hard. I love that I know so much about life, that I learned so much from the things I know. I am proud of me.
I am so blessed.

Closer to Kansas than Ever

2009-05-28T23:00:00.002-07:00

I really haven't posted as many of the questions on here that I had hoped. I promise I will be posting more, but first I wanted to do an update on my Journey. This is usually something I do in July but I am feeling very wonderful now and so close to Finding My Kansas, that I just couldn't wait another two months for the update.
Last night I had a conversation with a friend and he had commented that he wished he knew me 5 years ago. I paused at that thought and expressed that he probably wouldn't have liked me very much 5 years ago. I tried to explain that the woman I am today, the one he thinks is amazing and wonderful....she is "new", I didn't exist 5 years ago as I am today. I have had such incredible growth in the past 3 years on the yellow brick road and I am so thankful that I set my fears and let go of who I was so that I could become the me I was meant to be.
This journey has been interesting. Full of moments of happines and sadness; of accepting and letting go. It was very painful at times, and I am sure will have a few more difficult moments as I continue my journey. But unlike when I started this journey I am no longer afraid of the things I will find and face along the way. I realize now that all the things that weren't so wonderful are part of who I am, I learned from them and the experiences, however hurtful, allowed me to gain character that I should be proud of. This experience is a lot like disconneting the negative from my soul and releasing it, then allowing myself to be this new person with out the shadow of my past holding me down. It's uplifting and spirtual. I wouldn't trade everything i am today to avoid all the pain of yesterday. It was absolutely worth it.
I love who I am today and I may not always love where I am but I absolutly love being me and that is enough to make me smile! It took a long time for me to love me, to look in the mirror and see that I am wonderful. I see it now. I love that i see it now and there is no way I could be here if I hadn't spend this time trying to find my Kansas.
I am truly blessed for the strength I have found within me that pushed me up every hill!

He Never Said it Would be Easy...

2009-05-12T22:34:00.002-07:00

...only that it would be worth it.

I love that phrase. Life isn't easy, at least mine isn't. I have to struggle week over week. I rob Peter to pay Paul at least every other month. At least once during every shopping trip to the grocery store I have to circle back down an aisle, taking something out of my cart because I just don't have $3.00 to spend on a treat. I live paycheck to paycheck and I have to budget things like going the $15.00 to go see a movie or a $12.00 haircut. I have to decide if the car can make it another two weeks without an oil change or if my son can make it another two weeks in slightly snug shoes. This isn't the way I pictured my life, and it is not easy. But it is worth it. It's worth it to have my life, a life I work hard to have, a life that is honest, and a life where everyone in it is valuable. I can't ask for anything more than that. The lessons I am teaching my children out of necessity can't be taught without this struggle. They are learning not only the value of a dollar but the value of love. We have each other and so we hardly notice the hardships and the anguish. I look at them and I affirm that the hard life is exactly what I want because they will appreciate it so much more and they will pass that on to their friends, their extended families and their own children.
I read another phrase today...
God didn't promise days without pain,
laughter without sorrow,
sun without rain.
He did promise strength for the day,
comfort for the tears,
and light for the way.

If God brings you to it,
He will bring you through it.

I'm going to trust in that, I believe it to be true. All the terrible things I have dealt with, the pain I have endured has made me the person I am today. It has lifted me up, and it has made me so much more than I ever thought I can be. I like who I am, and who God has made me by forcing me to reach down into myself and find the strength that he stored there. I could have had a pampered life but would I be the same genuine, caring, compassionate, smart and loving person I am today? I wouldn't count on it. So thanks God, I appreciate it all you have brought me to and all you have brought me through.

Kids Potluck

2009-02-01T08:12:00.002-08:00

We have nine girls, all my daughters age group in our neighborhood. I love living here and have a hard time imagining a time when I don't. All the girls meet together before school, "picking each other up", so that they can walk to the bus stop together. They meet to walk their dogs together and they do the cutest thing at least once or twice a week...they have a potluck. All the girls go to their own houses, make their owner dinner and then they meet at one of the girls front yard, lay down a blanket and they have a dinner potluck. How cute is that??

Wishing a Happy Holiday Season...

2008-12-24T20:56:00.002-08:00

As I wait, cozy in my own place, for Santa to slip down the chimney and fill the stockings it seems like the perfect time to sit down and wish every one a wonderful and joyous holiday season. I am truly blessed with the best friends in the world and this year I have the addition of seeing my family show me just how far they are willing to go to be there for me. I have never felt more loved than I do in this moment. For tonight I shall count my blessings and remember that the intangible gifts you each give me just by being who you are, are more precious and priceless than any material possession available.

Amy - You are tops on my blessings list (aside from my children who do not read my blog!). I am so happy that we have become as close as we have the past year and a half. I don't know how I will survive with you gone. I love that you have entrusted me with your puppy. (You aren't trying to arrange an exchange for my daughter, are you??) We both know that this "favor" I am doing for you, is helping me far more than it is helping you. I love talking to you and you are always my first call for those good days and of course, the bad. It's hard to believe that 8 years have already past since that faithful day in which I needed a sitter, and the cubicle friend across from me volunteered to help. I am just sorry I waited so long to really put the effort into our friendship. I love you and I miss you already, please hurry home!
John - You get to make number two by proxy of Amy, you kind of go hand and hand...Thank you so much for my wireless router that enables me to write this from the comfort of my living room couch, a room I seldom acknowledged until now. You are so incredibly nice and sweet. I appreciate the efforts you have gone through to "win over Bri", she likes you, she just won't admit it...mostly because she is a brat like me. LOL . Thank you for sharing your holiday with me and my family, and sharing your girlfriend with us as well. Amy means the world to us, and we know she means the world to you too. So thank you for letting us hold onto her, as you take her hand and her heart on a journey towards a future of your own.
BFF - I love you! I think my favorite part of having you for a best friend is that even when I call you an ass, you never stop being who you are. I am so happy to have you, and am thrilled that you have become such a large part of my life in the past year, except when you almost killed me. LMAO! I don't know how I would have endured many of the heart breaks with out you telling me to keep my chin up and that those guys don't deserve me. I hate terribly when you are right, I love when we argue even when we agree and I look forward to seeing our friendship develop and unfold. I am so thankful for you, mostly because you want to protect me. You have seen the inside of my heart, raw from beatings and you stand there, by my side forcing me to see and believe that I don't deserve to be hurt. You respect me and have made it your goal to get me to respect myself. There are so many times I wish you were closer to give me that giant hug when I need it, but even when all I have is your voice, you find away to carry me through. Thank you!
Alex - Who knew getting you a boyfriend would make you so lame! HA...just kidding(luv ya Johnny). I love you so much and just for kicks I have to say, I am so glad Richard dumped me for you! LMAO...Your friendship isn't just about the comedy of goth girl and cheerleader chick, it's about finding a balance and proving friendship isn't built on the things you like, it's built on the person you are. Besides having a friend who is the exact opposite from me means no matter how much either of us change, we will always be friends! LOL. I can't wait to conclude the adventures of Kelsey and Alex! We are two amazingly goofy chicks, and I love us! Here's to another 8 years of boys to keep us entertained.
Wendie - My soul sister. I am so lucky to have found such a kindred spirit and I honestly don't know that there is anyone else whose heart beats at the same rhythm as mine the way yours does. It's amazing how intertwined our lives have been. I respect you and I love you. You are kind, sweet and wonderful. Even though I don't see you or talk to you as often as we would like, when we do catch each other, it is as if the world never past by us! You are such an inspiration to me. I can only hope and pray that I develop a fraction of the strength, courage and endurance that you have. I will take some of your patience too! I love you!
The Archive - You probably know every little thing about me. I trust you with everything in me. I have complete faith in you. You are always there for me, day or night. You care about me, make me laugh, allow me to be completely goofy and lame! I am so blessed for these reasons and for the others that I know you know I want to say but can't! LOL just know I love you and couldn't ask for a better person to have a full access pass to me!
Cotter - Thank you for your support, emotionally, physically and financially. You take care of me in ways family should, without judgement or stern advisement's. You trust me to learn from my mistakes and you trust me to be a rock of support for you. You took me in when I thought I had no one. You selflessly opened your home, your heart and your life to me. You taught me how to manage myself, you gave me the confidence to see I didn't need the Warden. You showed me how to fly and you promised me when you sent me out into the world that you would not let me fail and you didn't. I am so lucky to have you here for me. I love you! Thank you.
Kerry (My Sis!!) - I am so lucky to have you as my sister! You have accepted me and all my bad flaws, poor choices and cry baby moments (hey I am the little sister!). I am so grateful that we became so close. You welcomed me to your family, my children in as well. I have been there for you in the middle of the night, and you stayed by my side and saved my life in June. I can not thank you completely for being my guardian angel, watching over me and keeping me safe. I love being Aunt Sharra to the boys, I love knowing if I ever need it I can find shelter under your roof. Thank you for holding my hand when I last left, that was one of the hardest days of my life, to leave my home and family and return to Arizona. You gave me the strength to do what was right and I love you for that. I also love that you are there for Brianna! XOXO
David (Big Brother) - You are such a great brother! I love that even though life is a mess at times, we get it! You laugh with me, and in true brother style , at me! I am so grateful to have someone to share the drama with and someone who appreciates the entertainment of this little thing we call life. How lucky am I? Thanks for being such a wonderful guy!
Brett (Wonder Boy) - I am truly thankful we were able to reconnect. I know it has its ups and downs, just like all of life does, but I am thankful for your encouragement. It is nice to share space with someone and know that they appreciate it. Keep writing and don't stop, at least one person is reading! LOL Seriously, thanks for not hating me and someday I am certain the outlook and reflection will be one of happiness.
Dan (Captain Awesome) - Wow. What can I say about you? Our crime fighting abilities made us the perfect partners! You did so much for my soul and I am not even certain you have realized it. I am so thankful we became friends, I am thankful for having lunch, for laughing and joking and for the entertaining stories of Melrose Place. As we continue growing, in some ways together and in other ways apart, I hope you know that above all I completely respect you and adore you. you are my friend, my crime fighting partner and without you some days would be unbearable! ;o)
Sugar - You have so much inside you just bursting to get out. I am so thankful to have met you. You have taught me so much, I know you think this is all fun and games, in a lot of ways you are right. But you feed me a certain energy mostly by just letting me be me when I am with you. You don't question or fight it. You accept it for what it is and have taught me the same. You have taught me to keep a close watch on the checks and balances, never losing sight of what I am doing and wanting. I appreciate that you are kind enough to ignore the elephant in the room and to just enjoy being in the moment, that you teach me to do the same. ;o)
Cupcake - I'll be honest, if I could take much of the past 18 months back...I would. I know you loved me, for that I am truly thankful, but I think I am most thankful for you letting me go. Miley Cyrus sings a verse, "I remember what it feels like to know love, and have it taken away. I can't think of what I learned right now but I will be thanking you someday." This is me thanking you. You taught me a lot about what I want, the type of man I want to be by my side. You helped me realize I am pretty wonderful and that someone who loves me will happily take me and all those skeletons in the closet.
Linds - Hello Beautiful! I am so glad we are friends, you are just such a sweet woman and so much fun to hang out with. I can not wait to be out there, or better yet for you to be here! I know you are working on my killer 30th birthday! LOL...Just know that I think you are wonderful and I love our randomness. We are two peas in a pod! I love you and I miss you! thank you for being there for me, for helping me to experiment and for teaching me that friendship is able to surpass time and distance.
Mom and Dad - The last few weeks you have really been there for me. I don't know that I ever felt you there for me like I have recently. It's a new feeling that I am trying to embrace and for the first time I am not very afraid of it. You have allowed me to honestly express some of the pain that I have felt without being defensive or moving to dismiss it. Maybe I will be able to find kansas after all. Thank you.
Shanna - I feel a role reversal! LOL you are finally the big sister in the relationship. In addition to being thankful I am also very proud of you.

Steve - I adore you completely. I just want to thank you for being such a wonderful and unexpected blessing in my life. You are so amazing and I see so much in you that is exactly what I have prayed and hoped for. I love that you communicate with me, that you don't let me get away with running away but you never block the door either. I love that you respect me and allow me to set the pace, even if that means continually changing the rules...which reminds me I am so thankful that you are patient! I love how you have so many of the same traditions that I have, and that you are witty enough to catch my sarcasm and smart enough to catch my subtle hints. I love that you are as goofy as me, that you trust me and that right now you are wishing you could meet me under the mistletoe! XOXO

Okay, I am sure I have missed people and will nee to add as I go. If I didn't mention you, it isn't for lack of love or appreciation. Everyone in my life is meaningful and with out you, your presence, your support and your love I would be nothing.
With warm wishes,
Sharra

To All My Friends On This Lovely Thanksgiving Day

2008-11-27T10:37:00.002-08:00

Thanksgiving is my absolute favorite holiday. I love everything about this day. I love the food, I love the family, the friends and I love the reflection that this day brings. There are some areas of my life that often move like a roller coaster, twists and turns happen unexpectedly and from day to day there are moments I do not know which way is up. But one area of my life has been consistent and unwavering....my friends. I have the best friends and you are my absolute strongest support system. No matter how long we go without talking, no matter how far apart we are; when I need you I know you are there for me. I try to make an effort to tell each of you how much I appreciate and value our friendships as often as possible, but today of all days, provides yet another perfect opportunity to do so. To all my friends, including the family I count among you: Thank you for your unwavering support of me. Thank you for your love and your respect. Thank you for being there for me regardless of the time of day. Thank you for laughing with me, thank you for letting me cry. Thank you for letting me "just be" who I am, without having to pretend, without fears and without judgement. Thank you for sharing your lives with me, including me and inviting me into your family. Thank you for being silly with me, thank you for kicking my ass when I needed it. Thank you for letting me fall into the warmth of your embrace at moments I thought I had lost everything. Thank you for showing me that I am wealthy in ways others may only dream of. Thank you for being constant and true. Thank you for all the things you have taught me, all the ways you have helped me to understand and thank you for all the times you lifted my soul. Thank you for all that you do, for all that you are. Thank you for all the times you have been there, all the times you have allowed me to be there and thank you for all the moments in the future that have yet to come but no doubtedly will bring great joy to my life. Happy Thanksgiving. May today bless each of you with love, with riches, with warmth and with hope. May today allow you to reflect on all the wonderful things that surround you. May your hearts be as full as your bellies. We are all truely blessed beyond worldly goods. These moments and memories are free and can never be taken from us. I love you all!! Thank you for the happiness and joy I feel each day that our friendship grows! With Love and Admiration, Sharra

I forgot my daughter on a rainy day

2008-11-26T23:21:00.002-08:00

I have to share this story, even though in some ways it shows that I don;t always have balance in my life and memory on my side!
Today, the first rainy day Arizona has seen in months, happened to fall on a Wednesday. Why is that significant? Because every Wednesday, Brianna has Oceanography Club at school and I have to pick her up by 4:30. Now today, happens to be oh-so special for another reason, it is the day before Thanksgiving and a day I had woken up to thinking, "Today will be very slow at work. Everyone should be on vacation or out the door by noon and if all things go well I can hit the road by three after adding a quick Happy Thanksgiving out of office message on my voicemail."
But today was not slow at all, in fact I was back to back with issue, communication and procedures (up to my elbows) all day long. Around 2 in the afternoon I finally had a moment to eat my cinnamon swirl coffee cake and before I knew it the 3 o'clock hour had come and gone! So there i am rushing to get the final two communications out, glancing at the clock and seeing it pass 4. I think to myself, having plume forgot that today was Oceanography Club, Brianna did not call me to tell me she was home....I need to call her. But I don't.
So I finally wrap up at 4:30, excited that logging in during the holiday is now only necessary should there be an emergency. I start calling Brianna, but she does not answer...I call again ... and again. Then it hits me....Oceanography Club, I should be picking her up right now! Oh Geez...I rush out, she finally calls me back, I am twenty minutes away...she starts walking home just as I reach my car...it starts raining. Oh lord! I am the worst mom, I am talking to her as I am driving towards her, she says "Oh great now it's raining!".
I told her I was sorry but clearly I am a terrible mom, she sighs. "I feel so sorry for me," she says, "If I put my hood up it falls over my eyes and I can not see, but if I don't I get all wet because it si sprinkling hard now!" I tell her she should find new parents, clearly hers do not love her, she giggles. "I would! But it's not like I can go pick up a new set at the store!"
Awww she is her mother's daughter! She reaches Xavier's daycare, tells them how I forgot her and asks to wait there for me, out of the rain. LOL. She has forgiven me but I am sure I will hear about it for awhile, and always with that adorable little smirk on her face!

Missing in Action.......One Cell Phone.

2008-11-06T22:09:00.002-08:00

Well, a few days ago my house keys went missing. My only set of house keys went missing.....on the same day I took off from work to go make copies. I thought my daughter had taken them to school on accident so I put the baby in his carseat, I drove to her school, took him out of the carseat (you can't leave kids in cars!), and called her out of class to ask her. She just laughed and said no. Hmmmmm. I went home and tore the house apart looking for them to no avail. I even enlisted the help, which was no-help, from my three year-old as he chomped on a chocalate donut swearing his sissy has them. Flabbergasted and annoyed at the missing keys, I gave up. I put the baby back in the car and dropped him off at daycare. I drove 15 miles to meet my cousin, the only other person with a copy. Bought him lunch and headed out to make the copies.
No sooner do I get home, sit down at my pc and look over and low and behold the keys I had searched all day for were spotted. Apparently, they had illegally parked or not paid their fines because they were hoisted up on the hook of the Tow Mater truck my son owns. He towed my keys away. you have to love children.
So, what does a missing set of keys that were towed away and now released from the inpound lot have to do with a cell phone, currently MIA.....Well they were both last seen in the hands of a three year-old, who once again says his sissy did it. Unfortunately if the cell phone was towed away it has already been deposited into some other secret location unknown to me.

Ode to the Six Pack

2008-08-06T22:21:00.002-07:00

I must say there is one aspect of my life I am blessed beyond belief in. I have the BEST friends anyone could ever want. All my friends are wonderful. They are different and unique in their own ways yet they all have similar qualities that draw them to my life, and not just for the short term, but for the long term. I couldn't imagine not having them in my life forever.
All my friends love me, are supportive and are there for me. I wouldn't hesitate to cry in front of any of them or call any in the middle of the night. Additionally they make me laugh, even when I am devastated at life's little irritations. My friends tell me the truth and what I NEED to hear, not just what I WANT to hear. I am blessed to have such a strong support system, in so many states. My friends are understanding, we could go months without contact, letting life get in the way, and it never affects our ability to talk like we had just been together yesterday. My friends never try to force me, manipulate or coax me into anything I do not wish to do. They respect me and my decisions, even when they do not agree with them, which really does happen!
The bottom line is I am BLESSED!!! I have great friends and I wouldn't trade them away for all the money in the world. ALL my friends are wonderful and lend to me feeling fulfilled with my life.
There is however a group of friends inparticular that are the backbone to my life. Combined, and almost individually, they know EVERYTHING about me. Every dirty little secret, every hidden desire, every unspoken wish. They are my six pack. Six people in my life who probably know me better than I know myself. Without them I would probably think there was something wrong with me, but they are there telling me every crazy scheme, every classic "Applesauce" moment, and every embarrassing situation I have jumped knee deep into is really not that big of a deal, in fact at least one of them would be able to laugh saying, "I've done that".
This is my ode to the Six Pack:
Andrea - Awww.....my little Alex. My partner in crime. Together we have antagonized more boys than necessary and then immortalized it in the binding of our book! I laugh nonstop when I am with you. Our memories are never dull and trouble is a place we are well familiar with.
Ted - You are my reality check. Whenever I'm being utterly ridiculous about something, you laugh and then with witty sarcasm you bring me back to a more realistic place. I can count on you at any hour of the day or night and for that I am thankful. You also maintain the archive of my dating life (LOL), you are probably the only one of my friends who was successful in keeping up without a PDA! You have supported me in the depths of my sadness, without bitch-slapping me!
Keith - My DE-Boy Decoder-BFF..LOL...You are so awesome! I love to argue with you because nothing makes me laugh faster than the fact that we argue even when we agree. I know you'd take anyone out for me. You never grow weary of my drama and happily root me on. Thank you.
David - My brother from another (yet equally crazy) mother! You are so amazing. You have so much wisdom, which is expected for an older brother. I appreciate you being there and exchanging war stories with me. You help me find humor in the tragic events of life and help me find strength to stand up to those who hurt me. How lucky I am to have you as my family, I couldn't have hand picked a better brother!
Wendie - WOW! I love you! No one has travelled a more parallel life to mine than you! It is oddly un-odd that whatever I am going through you are right there with me, in spirit and in reality. Your positivity is an inspiration to me and gives me strength to push forward through the darkness. If you can handle it, I must be able to as we are kindred spirits.
Amy - I love that you support me and love me. You are so awesome. I know you only use me for my children but that is okay, I only use you for your house! HA! Actually i love our friendship most because we have NOTHING in common but somehow we are never short on things to talk about.

This Year

2008-07-15T23:14:00.002-07:00

This year I will learn to let go.

I will let go of those that hurt me,
either in my life or in my past.

I will let go of memories that haunt me.
I will let go of the beliefs
and behaviors
that have led me astray.

This year I will learn.

I will learn how to love with my broken heart.

I will learn how to trust
based on my memory of you,
not my memory of them.

I will learn how to have faith in what I can not see.

I will learn how to listen to myself,
to my world,
to my heart.

I will learn how to be patient,
the memories will make themselves.

I will learn to count,
not numbers
but blessings.

I will learn to value my relationship with others
and with myself.

This year will be full of surprises,
full of enlightenment,
full of life
and love
and laughter.

This year will be the year I move forward,
for the first time,
without looking back.

Chocolate Kisses

2008-05-17T21:48:00.002-07:00

I have to say my son is absolutely adorable. I love both my children but Xav is at that age where he is so cute I can hardly stand it. Today the kids and I were sitting on the edge of the pool with our feet dangling in, eating chocolate ice cream cones. The picture was straight off a postcard. Xavier looked at me and smiled, his face drowning in chocolate. Seriously, I am not sure how so much ends up around his mouth. He looked at me, grinned, and then kissed my arm leaving behind a true chocolate kiss. Then he laughed because he thought it was funny, dipped his hand in the water, washed my arm off and did it again. And again, and again. So adorable. It’s moments like that, that remind me how precious a gift our children are. I’m twice blessed with beautiful, smart and loving children. I am so lucky and at the end of the day they are what make life amazing!

Heroes

2008-02-22T21:41:00.002-08:00

I have never believed that Heroes truly existed. I could not have truly described the type of person, before this moment, that I could without hesitation give such a strong and noble title to. Call me blessed and enlightened today.
Today I received a forward that included a nine minute video sample of Randy Pausch's Last Speech. I was so engaged in his nine minute speech that I immediately began watching all 76 minutes of the entire speech. Not a second do I feel was wasted.
Randy was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He choose not to lay down and accept death as a a reason to stop living but instead he choose to stand up fight and LIVE. Today he continues to live, never knowing at which moment will be his last and choosing to ensure that he lives each moment positively, fully, and without a wasted emotion on inevitable events outside of his control.
Checking on Randy's status led me, a simple girl, to that of my next Hero. A man who also choose to face death as a reason to live, Jimmy Valvano. I watched his 1993 ESPY speech in which he was awarded the Arthur Ashe Courage Award. WOW. Recently, a co-worker of mine was faced with similar fate. He too took the same position as these two men. Kasim was an inspiration and a hero in my eyes as well.
With so many recent demonstrations of hero's qualities I am left to reflecting. Thankful for the blessings in my life, thankful to having been shown that there are true heroes here on Earth and although they do not have the ability to fly, regenerate, walk through walls, or bend space and time. They are more powerful then any character on a show, any villain in reality, or any force of nature. Because in one passing moment they can touch the depths of your soul that will last not just your lifetime, but ultimately will impact your children and your grandchildren. These people are heroes in my eyes because they stared into the face of terminal illness and they did not ask for pity, they did not seek for fairness or equality, they did not look for all the reasons why this "happened" to them and not someone else because that is the marking of a true hero. Someone who understands that Life and Death doesn't happen to "them," they happen to everyone. They accept fate as something they knew all along; that they would someday die, but die quietly they will not. They will take every moment and LIVE. They live for themselves, they live for those they must say good-bye to, they live so that you and I can know that throughout adversity in life we must always find blessings in the cards we are dealt. As Randy says "you can not control the cards you are dealt, only the way you play them".

Niente significa più di questo giorno

2008-02-07T21:37:00.002-08:00

Nothing means more than this day.......That is the title of this blog. I am inspired by the uncertainty and unsettling promise granted to each of us at birth.....that someday, likely unpredictably, we will leave this Earth. There is no bias, no fairness or equality to this. So with that in mind I want to take a moment to tell each of you, my dear friends, how lucky I am to have each of you in my life. You are all an inspiration to me in one way or another. I have been blessed with good fortune thanks to each of you. Although everyone has brought value and sunshine to my life, I would like to touch on a few people who I would mention in my Oscar speech for going above and beyond the call of duty!
Andrea....You are the perfect partner in crime. i am so thankful Richard cheated on me with you! LOL.
Miller....I miss you so much! You are just the best.
Shasta.....You never give up on me. LOL. You are relentless in your love and for that I am grateful.
Ted....You are always there fore me. You are so funny and you make me laugh. Plus you affirm that I am perfectly normal! LOL
Jennifer.....I was heart-broken when we parted ways 9 years ago and I can not thank you enough for finding me and embracing me once again. Wendilyn....OMG I love you. You are so my sister. I am pretty sure of it. No one understands me better.
Mickey.....You know how much I appreciate you ever loyal friendship. I am so glad we became close friends and your constant support gets me through many dark nights.
Slowik.....No one will ever compare. You have been my friend, my confidant, and my closest ali.
David....My brother!!! Who knew I was adopted and my brother and I would end up working at the same company! You are amazing and deserve the best in life! Seriously if I could pick family...you'd be it!
Jeaniece...I am forever putting you in pickle! Sorry i messed up our foursome. But thanks for all the love and support over the years.
Lissa....I love that you look up to me and I am so lucky to have you in my life.
Really I have many thanks for everyone, some of you a more private thanks or tribute to our friendship would be best. For everyone, thank you for all your love and support. You each are loaning me strength to get through this rocky road.

A Thanksgiving Prayer

2007-11-22T21:33:00.002-08:00