Soul Mates

What is a soul mate? I used to think this was one person who was designed to be everything for you. Someone who you were destined to be with, maybe even branded to. A friend, a lover, a first stop, a last stop. the person you could always turn to, you could be yourself with. The person you weren't afraid to cry in front of, die in front of, or fall in front of. The person who is supposed to make you laugh and smile. The person who holds your hand and you couldn't imagine your life with out. Someone you know loves you, tells you they love you, knows that you love them too. I thought your soulmate was this one magical being hand selected by God or Angels or Heaven to help you through this journey we label "life". But I'm starting to think something else, not entirely different...but different.

I started thinking about my life. I started think about the people I am myself with, or close to myself with. I started thinking about those who know me best, the ones I go to for advice. The ones I vent to, the ones I cry to, the ones I gush too when I have fallen in love, again. I started thinking about how these are the people I know I can always count on. The ones I can call, and have called, in the middle of the night. The ones who were there for me, some even from thousands of miles away, when my daughter was in the hospital or when i was in the hospital. The people who have waited with me for cancer biopsy results, and held my hand at the funeral of a stranger that I loved. The friends who snuggled me when I felt alone, provided me a home when I had none, provided me a Christmas (more than once!). I have been blessed over and over, more times than I can count with these people. The people who with the exception of a sexual relationship are everything my soul mate would be, should be, could be. So maybe there isn't just one soul mate, maybe there are dozens. Maybe my friends, these ones that I really can't imagine not having in my life, the ones that have proven their love to me time and time again, maybe they are my soul mates. Each one matching a peice of my heart, each one breathing life into my soul.
I've come to realize I will spend many nights without the arms of a lover to comfort me, but I will never spend one single night not wrapped in the warmth of my friends, my true soul mates.

My Heaven

I was watching the fifth season of Supernatural, one of my favorite shows. The episode was all about Heaven. The way they depicted it, is exactly what I hope it is.
They said in Heaven you get your own piece of real estate there. All yours. You can make it into all your favorite memories, relive the happiness you felt through out your life. It's like watching a movie reel of the best days of your life. Feeling the feelings, the love, the happiness; all of the good stuff. There is no bad. You don't ever have to be faced with bad again. no bad memories, only the good ones. No bad people, only the good ones.
They said in Heaven, everyone has their own section but that there are special cases in which you can share. Soul mates. Those branded together, their souls bound by a force greater than their choosing. They get to share their Heaven. Truly spend eternity loving one another. How wonderful is that Heaven? That's the Heaven I want.
In Supernatural they could travel, to other people's Heaven. I imagine this is how you find those you love. Imagine visiting someone else's Heaven. Wouldn't that be amazing?
I hope I am lucky enough to have a soul mate to share my Heaven with, here on Earth and in the afterlife. I hope that I am lucky enough to find my closest friends, my loving family, all those that I hold dear, inside our Heaven. Won't you meet me there?

Please Hold for my Words

That's a great line,
that's a sweet saying,
that's a nice story,
a song worth replaying.

Please hold just a minute
while I write the letters,
finding the words,
to say it all better.

So much of my life,
lands here every night.
Helping me breathe
guiding what's right.

I'd be lost without
this outlet to burn
directing my soul,
around each crazy turn.

Thank you for listening,
thank you for hearing,
thank you for reading,
what my heart and soul's baring.

When the words flow
from my mind to my fingers
I suddenly feel lighter,
even though they still linger.

This is my place,
my garden of light,
it's where I spread wings
and jump into flight.

Buttercup and Banana Loaf

When I think of couples who inspire me, demonstrate the type of relationship I some day want, you two are it. 20 years, and when I am near you I can see and feel the love between you. I know that there are frustrations, all relationships have them, but you two seem to admit your frustrations but you also acknowledge that there is a special kind of trust and love between you that have seen you through many ups and many downs. You care about one another, you respect one another, you cherish one another, and you give your best to one another. What a wonderful thing to demonstrate for your children and your friends. Especially me. Sometimes I give up on love. Sometimes I wish it away. I look at my life and accept it as it is. I question if there is anyone out there who has experienced the kind of relationship I want to have. Then I remember the two of you. It hasn't been easy but even at its hardest times you two have worked together to stay together. You two demonstrate that no matter how bad, or how hard it is to be together, being apart is even harder and therefore working hard is worth it. That's amazing and special. I know you both know how lucky you are to have one another, but let me tell you that I am very lucky to have you as well. I am lucky to have you each as friends individually, as well as a couple who really inspire me to not give up finding that person who will work with me, who will know that sometimes better really does come after worse, and sometimes even the best couples, most perfectly made for one another, will experience a bumpy road. It may seem impossible to get through, but when it is right, when it is true love you will make it over any mount by taking turns to pull the other along the way. I can only hope someday I am lucky enough to experience what you to have, and lucky enough to see it through to the end. I really love you both and I really admire your relationship.

Choose, 12 Point Font, Bolded

One of the greatest things you can do for your self is to recognize that you always have a choice. You can always choose your actions, you can always choose your reactions. These are the things people will come to define you by. These are the things that will begin to shape how others interact with you.

One of the things I try to do is practice putting the word Choose into my statements. This helps me to accept accountability for the things I do in my life, and the way people treat me. It also helps me take responsibility for the changes I wish to see. Here is an example of how this works.

I clean my children's room, it frustrates me that I have to. NO. I Choose to clean my children's room, it frustrates me that I Choose to. See the difference there? It isn't my responsibility to clean their room, they are capable. I choose to do it. And they choose to take advantage of the fact that I will. And I allow myself to get frustrates by my choice. Well, since it is my choice, perhaps I should choose not to do it, thus eliminating my frustration over choosing to do it.

I know your argument, I've said it to. If I don't do it, it won't get done. That's probably true. So what can I do to change the behavior that my children learned from my choice to clean their room for them? I need to choose a new behavior, and stick to it. For example maybe instead of cleaning it for them, I choose to have them stay in their room until it is clean. Responsibility for them, no frustration for me. Plus I might be able to get some me time that doesn't involve locking myself in the bathroom just to get some peace.

We train everyone in our lives to behave a certain way. If we have to retrain them, it takes some time and some patience but it's worth it. We don't have to be mean or nasty, we can be subtle even. Think about relationships, once you have kids sex no longer becomes this beautiful dance of love between you and your partner, but a race to the finish line before the kids come in or wake up. When that happens you get in the habit of quickly undressing your selves and hopping into the nearest bed for what you pray is a solid 10 minutes. Then when you find you have more time, you've forgotten how to dance to the music of love. You stick with the habits of undressing yourself and getting right to it with no foreplay. This is a behavior that yours and your partners actions and reactions have deemed is okay. If you don't like this, you have to remember you choose to allow this to happen and now you can choose to change it. Change your actions, change your reactions...again you don't have to be nasty, but making it a game of forcing your partner to undress you will completely begin to change their behaviors. Plus it might add a little extra fun, after all we all love the cat and mouse game!

Choose to be the change you want to see. Take responsibility for your half, and soon you'll see change. The only question will be who has changed more, you or other people?

Sweater Factory

Do you think I live in a sweater factory?
One where little men knit sweaters for me?

Because I don't and it is exhausting me
physically, mentally, and financially
to replace the sweaters that disappear
in your home and car its just not fair.

I dont understand the lack of exchange
a scheduled swap I shouldnt have to arrange.

You are a grown up, a father, a fool;
just send your poor child in a sweater to school.

You do this incessantly and it grates on my nerves.
Tell me, will you, what purpose it serves.

What happened to the best interests, this isn't ok
for our son who gets hurt with your insensitive ways.    

The Evolution of Me

Every day I watch myself grow and change, discover and evolve. It's amazing, it feels amazing. I am trying to learn to not classify myself as liking or disliking things, because I change so much. Sometimes I can feel the growth stir inside me, but most the time it's so subtle. It's like when you are little and all you like to eat is pizza, then one day you are eating everything.

I actually really enjoy the evolution of me. I was outside yesterday for nearly four hours. It brought me back to a moment where I had met my now ex-boyfriend. At the time he suggested we hike a relatively small mountain near work. I looked at him like he was insane and I said I wasn't an "outside" kind of girl. But now, I am outside constantly. I love being outside. I love the air, and the sun. I love walking, running, hiking, and playing ball with my kids or my dog. It's a great feeling. I was imagining how miserable I would be today with out the outside world to stir me to life. I sure am glad I evolved.

I evolve constantly, like a rose that blooms, little by little. If you have watched a rose bloom it doesn't pop open from a rose bud to a rose flower. It slowly folds open petal by petal. Each stage is more beautiful than the one before it, almost changing yet remaining still a rose. That's how I feel. I am evolving like a rose blooms, slowly but with a perfect imperfection. Kissed by the sun I stand here, opening myself to the possibilities of my surrounding world, soaking it in before I announce my arrival.

Dissecting Music

I've been recently blessed with a friend who is also a musician. I love music and so this has been a very interesting experience. He has introduced me to his music, along with many of his talented friends music and lyrics. It's nice to have someone to share this musical addiction with, or should I say it's nice to have someone who KNOWS about music to share this with.

During our many conversations, one of the things he shared with me was how songs are formed. They aren't just one piece of music, with a set of lyrics. It's actually more detailed than that. I won't embarrass myself with the terminology of things because frankly I am certain I will mess it up. But there are different parts. There are of course the lyrics. Then there is the music that the lyrics are set to. However, what seems to be the most important part is the music that is in between the lyrics. That piece seems to define the mood, the genre, and the meaning of the song. He also gave me the blue print for most songs, the order of the verses, the choruses, the pre-choruses, the hooks, etc. Once you know this stuff it completely changes the way you hear, and understand, the music you love so dearly. It has changed nearly every song for me. It's as if I am seeing the world in color for the first time, but instead I am hearing the songs for the first time, in a new way.

I have to listen to a song at least four times to even decide if I like it now. First I listen to the in between only. I learn what the tone of the song is, what feeling it generates inside me. Then I listen to the music that goes with the lyrics. Where does it take me and when, where does the music change, hook me in, let me go and then bring me back? Then I focus on the lyrics, how does this go with what I felt the first two times? Then I listen to it all together. It feels like a Fourth of July Fireworks show, with this last time being the finale. Then I know, if I like it or if I LOVE it. And thanks to my teachings, I know that most the time the reason why I like it, has very little to do with the finished product, and so much to do with the different pieces because each one enhances or detracts from my feelings for the finished product.

Thank You, I Miss You

It's 3:36 in the morning. I haven't slept. I am crying. I miss you way more than I should, way more than I expected and possibly more than I want to.

I have spent the night stalking your Facebook. I was reading your statuses, old and new, and finding myself even more connected to you than I ever did before.  You are so inspiring to me. I am not used to other writers. I am not used to seeing the words of another and observing the age of a soul older than the body. Every word you wrote as you took the journey to who you are today, are all words I wish to remember about you always.

They are words that open my own heart and soul. Open me to the pain, to the risk, to the rewards.

One of the first things I told you the night we met was that I was destined to meet you. That you had a message for me, a message for my own journey through life. Tonight, reading your words in print, messages of your soul not specifically intended for me, I find myself feeling a completeness that I hadn't known was missing. 

I feel like I have known you for my whole life. You believe in me, and encourage me, completely unselfishly. You push me gently to follow my dreams, to believe I am truly what you see in me. You see me in a way that I know most others do not. You see me for where I am going, for who I want to be, and for all the potential I have burning behind my eyes. You've made me realize that nothing in my past matters, there is nothing special or profound or amazing from those experiences that are making me who I am today. I am who I am because that is who I want to be.

Through every conversation we have shared I have sat in awe, smiling, full of complete love for you. Each time we have hung up or left one another I have thanked God for our friendship, for leading our paths to cross and giving us the wisdom to listen to our souls encouraging this friendship that we've both been committed to. I am so thankful and I know we have built a foundation that will keep our friendship thriving even as our paths physically split.

But I still miss you.

I feel safe with you, despite my desire to resist it, deny it, run from it. I miss you because I can't just show up on your doorstep and get a hug when my day is crashing into me. I can't just lay on your living room floor listening to music, tears falling as I am lost inside myself. It's not about hanging out or talking or anything, other than knowing for right now there will be only phone calls to keep our friendship alive. A friendship I want and need because somehow you see inside me, you see all the truths I attempt to deny. You help me understand my denials, accept my truths, and share myself with reckless abandon. After all, what's the good of having wings if I refuse to use them to fly?

Curiouser and Curiouser

Lord knows I am a snoopy little thing. Whenever something peaks my interest I strive to find the time and patience to understand it, to investigate, to get to the bottom of it. Why if I were a cat I would be dead by now with my curious ways. Most the time I am curious about things normal folks would hardly notice.

So to what am I curious today? The secret readers who jump my blog up anywhere from 20-45 hits a day. Who are you? Why won't you follow me? Am I not good enough to publicly admit you like? Perhaps you don't really like me, you just come to tease me with your page hit, or am I like one of those bad train wrecks you can't help to watch? Awww, how I wish you would publicly announce you are stalking my blog, honest I wouldn't mind. I'd even be willing to sign a contract in which I promise not to file for a restraining order...just love me, publicly.

Haha. In all seriousness, I am curious who reads me. Don't be afraid, I am rather nice. Comment away, and feel free to follow me, or share me with your friends (wow I sound kooky!) I really write for you. Me too, but I write publicly because I like to believe somewhere out there I am making a difference, perhaps to a random stranger who stumbled upon my blog by mere accident. Perhaps you were looking for Wizard of Oz memorabilia and ended up here, not quite Oz but maybe close to as fascinating.

Thanks for reading, whomever you are. If you want to, feel free to leave a comment. Let me know what you like. It helps me feel more important than I actually am.