welcome to 2012

The last day of 2011 found me with plans that couldn't be. Just like much of 2011 and 2010 all plans I had were over ridden by forces bigger than myself. Just when I found myself lost in thought, trying to figure out just how I would solve for the unfulfilled plans of 2011, I was fortunate enough to see a gorgeous meteor, unlike anything I had ever seen before. Like something from the special effects team working for George Lucas, a large object shot across the sky. It entered in a burst of bright orange and was trailed by a tail that seemed to stretch for miles, blue and green fire outlined in white, carving through the sky. Before I could grab my phone the meteor disintegrated into a fizzling red burst. It was beautiful, amazing, and unbelievable. And had anything gone according to plan, it would have been unviewed by me. I sat in awe, near tears at this reassuring sign, a promise welcoming me into the new year with hope, faith, and overwhelming trust in a purpose and plan bigger than myself. One that I cannot predict no matter how much I try.

As I leave behind 2011, I leave the bitterness. I leave the hurt caused by plans erased. I leave behind sadness for what has been lost. I leave behind anger over actions that were, and actions that weren't. In 2011 I thank the hurt, the sorrow, the anguish for teaching me the lessons needed to push me harder, make me stronger, and bring me humbly to my knees. I leave 2011 racing towards a new horizon full of faith, hope, and possibility.

I welcome 2012 as the year of new for myself. A place where great things will fall into place as I work hard at applying the lessons of the past four years. It will not be without its challenges and it will not be perfect everyday. But I will allow each day to be a new one. I will allow each moment to come, bringing with it all it has to offer. I will learn to accept more than I question. I will learn to rewrite my world by what exists today, letting go of the yesterdays that add no value and have no meaning in today. I will value each day and aim to be my true self each and everyday.

2012 Mantra

It has sort of become a tradition to create a mantra to get me through the year, keeping me focused on the growth I would like to complete.

After many months of trying to figure this out, I have finally landed on the things I would like to use to help me stay balanced and grow throughout 2012.

Love is Delicate
In truth, all matters are delicate but perhaps love would be the most delicate. I have learned, and now hope to remember, that as a delicate blessing, love must be handled with care. When you see something delicate you don't just run up and grab it. You don't yank on it until it goes where you want. You don't toss it around carelessly. You don't just toss it away when you are done.
When dealing with anything delicate you must always approach it carefully, plot your course thoughtful, hold it gently, and never be reckless with it. Something that is delicate must be carefully thought of before reaching for it. While it is in your embrace it must be thought of and cared for as an extension of yourself. And should you ever tire of holding it, you gently return it to its original place, kindly making sure your presence did not leave any damage to its delicate state. As my mother would say, "like a baby bunny" which was code when we were baking apple pies to be gentle. I need to remember that love is delicate, mine and someone else's. It should never be asked for or given without deep thought, it should never be asked for or given without truly knowing it will be handled with care. And it should never, ever be recklessly discarded. Love is delicate.

Let Time Come.
Everything takes time. Growing, fixing, loving, leaving, moving forward, forgetting, processing, healing... everything. Let time come. Wait for it. Trying to rush it, delays it. Trying to fight it, make you drown. I saw a quote that said, "You didn't get here in one night, don't expect to get out of here in one night." I need to remember this. I need to let time come, as it comes. I need to accept that for everyday that brought me to where I am, it will take another day, or maybe two, for me to get back out. The more I fight it, the more times I am sent back to start. Let time come.

Success is Within.
Success is not what can be placed on paper regarding our careers or education. Success is not the material possessions we can hold in our hands. Success is not in the things we own like houses and cars. Success is not in the money we have in the bank or in investments. Success comes from within us. Success comes from within. Success is loving, being trustworthy, being honest. Success is finding joy, finding peace, finding faith. Success is believing in yourself, believing in others, believing in the world. Success is being alive, being proud, being gracious. Success is within.

Perception is Reflection.
The perception I give off is directly related to the reflection I see. When I reflect in the mirror and I don't like who I see, that feeling will become the perception that others see when they look at me. When I look at my reflection and I see love, kindness, faith, joy, beautiful, and strong, that is what others will see when they look at me. Perception is Reflection.

Thoughts are Actions.
What we think, is how we act. Our subconcious mind rules everything we do, thoughts rule our subconcious mind. Therefore, the thoughts we think turn into the actions we do.

Now Matters.
As important as it is for me to let time come, it is also important to remember that now matters. I needn't wait for the first of the year or next month, or the beginning of a week, or someday in the future to come. Now is important. Now matters. Now becomes Never when Now becomes Later.

So there it is. My 2012 Mantra, Love is Delicate, Let Time Come, Success is Within, Perception is Reflection, Thoughts are Actions, Now Matters.

Childhood Home (Competition Entry)

Nervously I turn my car blinker on. It clicks repeatedly, reminding me to turn onto Aberford Drive. I was ten when my parents packed up our home and moved us from the neighborhood, city, and state that, in my mind, would always be my home.

 

As I made the right hand turn, the corner house on the left caught my attention. Lisa lived there, I remember running up and down the staircase that led to the second floor. Three houses down on my left my best friend Sharon lived. I flash back to a rainy August day spent singing “We are the World” on the backyard grass under our umbrella’s and raincoats. Directly across from her, PJ Powell, the only boy in a neighborhood of girls lived. How we loved playing with his black lab Gracie back then when leashes were not required. The street curves slightly to the left, visions of Kendra and Melanie playing hopscotch fill the now deserted driveway of their corner home.

 

My heart beats steadily; a feeling of calm tranquility creeps into my body. My lips curl up automatically in the excitement that soon I will be knocking on the door of my old childhood home, which for the past 24 years had lived only in pictures.

 

For the past few months, I flipped through old family photo albums that told the story of a thousand happy memories in the forgotten home. That is why I am here. Alone in the world, these pictures and warm memories of our time spent in this home are all I have to keep them alive. I drove 700 miles to be close to the parents who gave me life, and then left me alone to live it.

 

 

I turn the car, my eyes search for the brown picket fence surrounding the front courtyard. I look for the lush green lawn I remember learning cartwheels and playing tag on. I search for the house baring the number 1302. My heart sinks as none of these realities are found.

 

I stop in front of the third house on the right, the location of all my childhood memories. I slowly exit my car, in disbelief I search for an explanation. I re-count the houses. I check the street sign. I long for sign of neighborhood life that can explain why my beautiful picket fence was replaced with a chain linked Rent-a-Fence.

 

I tiptoe towards it, placing my fingers between the links of the cold uninviting metal. I shudder. Chills run down my spine, and my heart beats slightly faster. My childhood home is corrupted with a new reality that looks like the cover of the latest mystery novel.

 

The cement of the courtyard, which was home to a blue and green striped swingset and slide, is now cracked with untidy rubble recklessly abandoned. My old bedroom window, which was an imaginary ice cream stand on hot summer days, was broken. Glass shards sprout around an empty circle, the result of a ball or rock or some other unnatural disaster. The front door, once a deep blue that welcomed visitors with its proud beauty lay half-hinged and crocked. The paint had faded to a sullen grey, flaking and peeling from years of neglect.

 

Suddenly the memories of my childhood no longer make sense or belong in this place at all. I digress to a scared little girl. I ache to run through that once perfect door, to see my mother’s smile as she hands me a fresh baked cookie and asks for the playground gossip of first grade.

 

I step back, my eyes catching the large sign that I had missed upon my initial approach, “CONDEMNED – DO NOT ENTER.” A tear glides gently down my face, unwelcome.

 

Gone, Not Forever

I am going through my life from the past four years. I am figuring some things out and have taken all my writings to help do that. Have no fear, some of them will come back up. Keep checking back and if you want to be notified, you can sign up to have an email notification sent when that happens.

Thanks.

Thanks Giving

Oh, Heavenly Father, We thank you for food and remember the hungry. We thank you for health and remember the sick. We thank you for friends and remember the friendless. We thank you for freedom and remember the enslaved. May these remembrances stir us to service, that your gifts to us may be used for others. Amen.


The past year has been challenging at best. There were many moments of joy and discovery. Many more moments of heartbreak. Without a doubt if it was not for the love, support, forgiveness, exncouragement, and acceptance of my friends and  family there is no way I would have made it through. So many people have been infuential over the direction my life is currently going, I don't even know where to start.

Cathy - I am pretty sure I do not deserve your friendship. You are an amazing woman and truly beautiful. You have taught me so much in the way of forgiveness, kindness, tolerance, love, friendship. I truly admire you for the woman you are, for your incredible strength and love for yourself, your friends, your children (alll four of them), and all your family. Your openness, your loyalty and your patience are incredible. I am truly blessed to have been allowed into your life. I am so thankful for you.

Roxanne - I tell you everyday how much I love you. You have been a solid rock for me to lean on at times I wish I could have avoided. You have encouraged me, loved me, and trusted me. You faith in my words as Ms. Kettle is undeserved. You make me laugh, you make me cry, and you make me believe that I truly am worth so much more. Without you, there would be no me.

Mindy - You are such a beautiful woman. I am so happy that we "met" . You bring so much joy to my life. You make me laugh and you are so silly in the most wonderful way. I love hearing the joy in your voice when I call. You are a wonderful friend and being a passenger on your journey and how far you have come in the last six months. Thank you so much for finding something amazing inside me that was worth growing this friendship. Please come visit me soon.

Aaron - I don't know that I truly possess the words to express my gratitude for all you have carried me through in the past year. The loss of love, the loss of a job, the start of a new job, another misspent relationship. I have cried a hundred tears in your presence, I have smiled a thousand smiles. You have shared your music with me, your writing, your path...a great blessing I will always cherish. In turn, you have encouraged my writing, pushed me to exceed my perceived limits, and taught me the value in being honest with myself and with others. You add incredible value to my life.

Peter and the Writer's Croft - I cannot express how amazing my participation in the Writer's Croft has been, and Peter has been an encouraging force behind getting me in the group and ensuring I received everything I could out of it, and a lot more than I ever anticipated. The encouragement and flattery my writing has recieved from the others inside the Croft was unexpected and has touched me in ways that I will forever treasure. You have given me the courage to write a book about something I never thought I would. Your excitement and enthusiasm has made writing about it easier than I ever thought it would be. Thank you a hundred times.

Tim - You have really stepped up for me in the past year. Your dedication to helping me with our daughter and being there for her and me through the difficult times of the last six months have been so helpful and I cannot thank you enough. I know it's your job but I greatly appreciate it.

Brianna and Xavier - I don't usually put you guys in here specifically because it goes without saying that I am thankful and blessed to have you every day. You two are so perfect. I truly could not ask for better kids. You both are sweet, loving, funny, helpful, and smart. Moving makes me happier than seeing you two play and hearing you two laugh. You two are most definitely the best I've ever created and my greatest blessing.

Lori - You have saved me in more ways than you will ever know. You held my hand helping me find my way down a path I had been staring at for a long time. That path is one of the greatest blessings of the last year and has become a huge part of my life. I have also been fortunate to be a witness to your strength, courage, faith, love, and patience. I admire your ability to find humor in aggravation, wisdom in frustration, and encouragement in life's ever growing lemons. Your acceptance of limited control amazes me everytime. I am so thankful to call you a friend.

My parents - Thank you for loving me and for finally listening to my words of forgiveness. Thank you for never giving up on me and for waiting until my heart was ready.

Cotter - You continue to bail me out and I am sure I'd be living in a cardboard box if it weren't for you. Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for letting me be your place to fall even when sometimes I'm a bitch. Lol. I love you and I'm glad I get to see you every week.

Ashlee and Ashley - Both of you have been the bridge back to my brothers. I appreciate you both including me in this family and making me feel welcomed and loved. It means so much to me to be here as my nieces and nephews grow. You are both great mothers and wives and have so many qualities I admire. And although I've put you together here, you both have many unique qualities that I enjoy seeing in action. Your kindness and love for me is more than I ever would have dreamed possible.

And finally a special thanks to my boss Lisa. Without you've I am not sure how I would have survived my first year at a job I wasn't really sure I wanted. You constantly supports me, guide me, and set an example of how I should be. You have made sharing my struggles and successes and dreams okay to exist. I appreciate and value you every day. Thank you for your incredible encouragement.

Beyond just those mentioned above, I am incredibly thankful for EVERYONE in my life. I have learned to surround myself with people who add value to my life each and every day. There is no one who doesn't live up to this. I have been blessed with strong bonds that somehow seem to withstand the test of time and distance. When I need shelter from the storm, a soft place to fall, or just someone to make me feel special, valuable, or loved I never have far to go. I cannot truly explain how phenomenal that is, how truly magical.
I thank God and Heaven for the love, joy, triumphs, and peace i have in my life.
I am healthy, wealthy in ways beyond fortune, and I am so happy with how far my life has come in the past four years. Thank you to all those who have shared in my journey. You are my all my dreams come true.

A Story

I joined a group at church called Foundations. It's basically a small group bible study. In the first two weeks, they asked everyone to go around and introduce themselves and how they came to be spiritually in the group, specifically their personal journey to God.
As we went around I found it interesting that so many people their, in this Christian church, had a background in the Catholic church. What does that say when so many people flea a religious upbringing?
When it came to me, I told my story to this journey where I am today. It went something like this...

I was born into Catholism. My parents met at a Catholic High School. We were baptised Catholic and brought to Sunday school and Caticism (CCD). If yo uknow anything about the Catholic religion you know they have this practice of confession. The problem was, as a little girl, I didn't do naughty things. I did what my parents asked. I was helpful and kind to others. So I had nothing to confess. But the priests never believed you. And so I would make up things in confession. Then the next week I would confess I had lied in confession. It was a mockery.
I was also quite astute. So I recognized early on being told to do stuff for God because I loved him, which seemed hypocritical when the collction basket came around.
One night when I was nine and my dad was tucking me in, I told him I didn't want to go to church anymore. I told him that I felt God was in my heart and that I didn't need a priest to talk to him, I just could. I told him that I found the whole church was more questions than answers and thus I wanted no part of it. I was nine and after moving several times across the country and dealing with my nine year old life I was confused enough without the church adding to that. I told my dad I felt God was all araound me, in the wind and the flowers and in all creation that surrounded me always. My dad kissed my head, told me he believed the same and I didn't have to go anymore.
Fast forward eight years and getting married I wanted to do it in a church, because some how marriage only felt real to me if done in a church. I was searching for something real. We found a baptist church to attend. We really liked the Pastor, but the whole church going experience was very intimating. When we arrived that first day it was a whirlwind of people sucking onto us. It was very overwhelming. When we were invited to the Pastors home, a sprawling half million dollar home I found myself plagued once again. I am not kidding when I say his home was twice the size of the church and a lot more modernized. We didn't last long, in the church or in the marriage.
About a year ago my life started spiraling. All the plans I had made that I thought were going to last crumbled beneath my feet in a terribly sickening way. I was searching for something and after attending the funeral of a man I really respected, who was Catholic, I decided to give my roots another try. I went to a local church and sat quietly in the back. I cried through the whole service, even though I understood nothing of what was going on. I went to the library and picked up Catholism for Dummies, yes that is a real book. They have a Dummies guide for everything. I began reading about the religion I came from and learned quickly that although Catholics will forgive nearly any sin, they still leave you tarnished and in a way, unworthy. I would go only when I needed to be close to God, but because of the judgement, guilt and scrutiny I felt (even though no one talked to me) I ultimately could not get into it and could not open my heart to it.
A few months back I felt stuck in a series of circles in my life, in my love, in my work, in pretty much every aspect of my well being. I felt like I was going up the down escalator and as such I was getting nowhere. Aching for more and not knowing how or where or who to get that from, I posted on my Facebook that I was stuck and tired of being stuck. My friend Lori responded with a video short from her church about a new series they were starting called Momentum. She invited me to join her, and I said yes. Followed by when. We went back and forth a few times on which of the four weekend sermons I wanted to attend. She paused and said, if we can't figure out this weekend we can meet for next weekend. I said no. Now. I needed to go then, something was pulling me and I knew I couldn't wait. So I showed up and suddenly things made sense. They explained the bible in a way that finally made sense. It seemed to scream out application in my life today. Plus there was a kind of energy that seemed to bleed into me. I haven't been able to stop going. It seems to complete me. Fills a piece of me in a way that people cannot. I love the lessons and I love being inspired to share and believe and serve others in my life and my community.

Truth

I've had many conversations where I have talked freely about wanting to further my career in corporate communications. The truth is, that's a lie. Now don't get me wrong, I like what I do and if I am going to have to work I might as well enjoy what I do. But the truth is, if I was truly able to do anything and financially support my life and my family, it would not be corporate communications.

Honestly and truthfully, I want to not "work". I want to write. Not write about corporate stuff, but write about life. My life. My thoughts. My world. The things that happen and the things that my mind makes up.

I want to volunteer at my kids school, at my church, in my community. I want to inspire people and encourage them. I want to be there to help people through their problems.

I want to clean my house. Make homemade dinners every night. I want to sit down with my kids while they do their homework and have enough energy to massage my husband when he has had a long day at work. I want to bake dessert and walk the dog.

All this sounds silly but I want to be a woman from multiple generations all rolled into one. I want my life to mean something. To touch a lot of people and make a difference. I want to be appreciated, admired and loved.

Sounds simple. It isn't but I hope and dream and try to achieve it anyway.

Peppercini = F.U.N.

I love peppercinis. I didn't alwats but a now ex taught me the value of spice and truthfully I'm pretty thankful for that, they taste good and happen to be my "spicy" treat of the day. (Who needs sweet when you have spice?)
Tonight my kids and I were hanging out in the Kitchen while nymph six year old ate dinner and I snacked on peppercinis and my oldest just hung out because she loves us. I was trying to get them to try the peppercini but both refused. Finally, possibly after a threat to shut off a cell phone, my oldest agreed. I held it out and she bit down and there must have been a small pin prick hole in it because a stream of juices squirt out and land directly on me! The kids begin giggling hysterically, me too actually. My six year old then wants to try for the shear purpose of squirting me, I obliged. What can I say? I'm an awesome mom!
At this point all they are doing is biting down on it,playing, but they are not willing to actually eat it. But I am way clever than them.
My kids are really competitive. They get it from me. So I tell them we will race. Them against me. Pepper to pepper. They agree and off we go. He bites half. She bites half. I bit whole and we are racing to the swallow line. In all honesty I won but I pretended to still chew so they could have the glory and because I was impressed. After they won they excitedly declared in an awkward run on sentence that the peppercini was nasty and they wanted to do it again.

They power of winning is amazing. So is the laughter of my children.